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Writing Samples
Band 6

The following pie charts show the results of a survey into the most popular leisure activities in the United States of America in 1999 and 2009.

The following pie charts show the results of a survey into the most popular leisure activities in the United States of America in 1999 and 2009.
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this
Linking Words
 pie
charts
Change the determiner
chart
show examples
 depicts
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leisure time and what is the activities until 10
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 in USA from the 1999 to 2009. It is clear from the graph that
had
Verb problem
there was
show examples
 a lot of
channged
Correct your spelling
change
 and
develpoment
Correct your spelling
development
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
swimming sport had in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown Top
iteam
Correct your spelling
item
team
 from the per cent it is soccer
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
due to
Linking Words
 several reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in the past at 1999 was
sccoer
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the most
element
Correct word choice
important element
show examples
 before because it
is help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our health and better choice for muscles.
Linking Words
secondly
Add a comma
secondly,
show examples
 it is
benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 for our bodies and people
overall
Linking Words
 love it.
While
Linking Words
 the walking had
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 because they before did not have a car. In
addtion
Correct your spelling
addition
, the walk makes
bloode
Correct your spelling
blood
 active.
To sum up
Linking Words
, we could say that we most benefit
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 our leisure time we should
did
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not lose it
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 silly things
Also
Linking Words
, I think it is important.

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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