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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the number of deaths caused by terrorist attacks in three countries between 2011 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows the number of deaths caused by terrorist attacks in three countries between 2011 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#deaths #attacks #three #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The line graph illustrates the
deaths
Use synonyms
 caused by terrorism between 2011 and 2015 in three Middle East countries i.e., Afghanistan, Iraq and
Nigeria
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, Iraq and
Nigeria
Use synonyms
 recorded the most number of
deaths
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. In Afghanistan the total
deaths
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 accounted for less than 6,000 throughout the years,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
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 the death toll in
Nigeria
Use synonyms
 fell
around
Change preposition
to around
show examples
 5,000 by the end of 2015. In the initial year of 2011, all three countries lost the same number (around 3,000
deaths
Use synonyms
) of people
due to
Linking Words
 terrorist attacks.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the terror attacks in Iraq rose rapidly in comparison to the other two countries,
this
Linking Words
 trend increased by 1,000
deaths
Use synonyms
 per year till 2014 with
total
Correct article usage
a total
show examples
deaths
Use synonyms
 of around 9,000 population and by the year 2015, the
deaths
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 terrorist attacks decreased by around 7,000.
Nigeria
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 recorded the second highest
deaths
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 among the general population in the span of 2012-2014. The
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of
deaths
Use synonyms
 significantly
arise
Verb problem
increased
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 after 2013, marking
around
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more than 7,000
deaths
Use synonyms
 till 2014. The citizens of Afghanistan encountered
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
show examples
 until 2013,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 the
death
Fix the agreement mistake
number of deaths
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 increased by
few
Correct article usage
a few
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thousands
Change to singular
thousand
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, by the end of 2015,
as a result
Linking Words
 of
wide spread
Correct your spelling
widespread
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 terrorism, more than 5,000
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 lost their lives.
Submitted by patelvaibhav1463 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "due to".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words deaths, nigeria with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.
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