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Band 6

In many counteries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this a positive or negative development?

#counteries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
The rate of people migrating from rural to urban areas has increased in multiple countries around the globe, which has led to a decline in their
countryside
population
. I think
this
 is a negative development as the decrease in rural
population
 would negatively impact their facilities and agricultural work.
Countryside
 residents would suffer from the lack of staff to run their various facilities
such
 as
schools
, hospitals and clinics. In
schools
, as professional teachers are moving to the cities, seeking perhaps higher wages, the rural areas'
schools
 wouldn't have enough members to educate the children there,
subsequently
Add a comma
subsequently,
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this
 will affect their education level and put a burden on their parents to send them to
further
schools
 or homeschooling them. The same would happen in
the
Correct article usage
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hospitals and clinics, the shortage of doctors and nurses will put the residents, mostly senior citizens, in dangerous situations when they can't get proper medical care. These and
more
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other facilities will be affected by the decrease in the
countryside
population
. As for the impact on the agricultural field, the productivity of the agricultural lands in the
countryside
 would fall
down
Rephrase
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. As most of the residents are from the older generation, and because of the young workers shortage, it would be difficult to take care of their croplands and livestock.
As a result
, the crop yield and food supply would decrease.
Moreover
, the experience
from
Change preposition
of
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 the professional farmers would lost as there are not enough young people to be mentored. All of that would exert a negative impact on the agriculture growth. In conclusion, I believe that the drop in rural areas'
population
,
due to
 the increased movement to the cities, is a negative trend affecting the performance of their
schools
, clinics and their agricultural land efficiency.
Submitted by Lilly on

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task achievement
Overall, your essay is strong and addresses the prompt effectively. To enhance the task response, consider incorporating more specific examples to illustrate your points further. This will strengthen your argument and provide a clearer picture to the reader.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are generally clear, you could improve coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Using a variety of linking words and phrases will help in making your arguments flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets a clear context for the essay and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, creating a cohesive structure.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the negative impacts of rural depopulation in terms of both facilities and agriculture, addressing the prompt comprehensively.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning and relevant examples, which is critical for a strong task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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