IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think mobile phones are most useful for their professional lives, whereas others think mobiles phones are most useful in their personal life. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #phones #lives #mobiles #life
Few people argue that mobile usage is often helpful in a professional
life
,
while
 others believe it to be more helpful in a personal
life
. Even though mobiles play a vital role in both
lives
, I believe it is leaning more towards personal
life
 than the career.
Firstly
, people give priority towards their personal well-being and
life
 than to professional
life
 as it is just a part of the day-to-day
activities
 which help them in
earing
Correct your spelling
earning
show examples
 money. But the majority of their
life
 is spent towards their personal
life
 like communication with family, friends, and well-wishers over the phone.
In addition
 to these people
use
 it for entertainment purposes like listening to music, seeing online videos, and connecting over social media to post or read some trends.
In addition
 to these, we are using the mobile for personal storage like documents, educational certificates, reminders of birthdays and special events, alarming, going through the news, and getting photos.
For instance
, we
use
 our mobile phones more often in day-to-day
activities
 to keep up with the trends related to any field and help ourselves to keep a note of important events.
On the other hand
, using it for the professional
lives
 would be barely minimal like sending messages or calling to the peers, emailing to the clients, meeting remainders and sharing some important documents over a mail. We hardly
use
 it for 4 to 5
activities
, compared to the list of
activities
 which we
use
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for our personal
lives
.
To conclude
,
although
 mobile phones are widely used in both lifestyles. I would strongly believe, that it would be more useful for our personal
lives
.
Submitted by nlchiranth11 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate on your points with more relevant examples and real-life scenarios. This can enhance the clarity of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Consider connecting your ideas more seamlessly between paragraphs. Transitions can help the essay flow better.
task achievement
Include more detailed points on how mobile phones impact professional lives to provide a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame the essay topic.
task achievement
You provided a good distinction between personal and professional use of mobile phones, which helps in addressing both aspects of the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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