IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that the government is responsible for crime prevention. Others think that it is individuals responsibility to protect themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #crime #prevention #individuals #responsibility
The
crime
 rate has been rising at a faster rate. Yet is not clear who is more responsible for preventing
crime
 whether the
government
 should take responsibility or the
society
 is itself accountable for stopping the offence. I believe that the
government
 will be more chargeable for alleviating
crimes
.
To begin
 with, governing bodies are the most powerful authorities and
thus
, more responsible for protecting their citizens. If the
government
 implements strict policies against murderers, thieves and robbers
then
 perhaps it would reduce the number and intensity of the
crimes
. To take an example, most people commit
crimes
 because they think the punishments are not as harsh as they need to be.
Therefore
, executing punishments like lifetime imprisonment and high charges for breaking rules would be an effective measure in reducing
crime
 levels.
Overall
, these strategies cannot be developed by
society
 on its own
thus
, hold authorities more responsibly.
Although
 there are numerous measures from the
government
 side to protect
society
, individuals need to protect themselves and run some safety measures for their own safety.
Firstly
, they protect themselves by avoiding more populated areas especially if they are wearing gold items and carrying expensive items.
Secondly
, it is evident that most
crime
 occurs after dawn. So, people have to stop wandering alone in
such
 dark areas. As it could reduce the possibility of being robbed.
Moreover
, locking doors and windows at night is an additional protective measure.
Thus
, making small efforts from the personal level not only brings prosperity to the nation but
also
 aids betterment of the
society
 against
crimes
.
To conclude
, I believe that governing bodies can reduce the levels of
such
crimes
 by implementing stricter policies
such
 as putting criminals behind bars
while
society
also
 needs to follow some protective measures to stop
such
 happenings.
Submitted by sanakalsi3736 on

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logical structure
Your introduction is clear and sets the stage for the argument, but you should briefly mention the opposing view to offer a more balanced outlook from the beginning. This will help improve the logical structure.
relevant specific examples
While you have included some examples, they are somewhat general. Including more specific examples and statistics could strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
logical structure
Some transitions between ideas can be smoother. For example, adding transitional phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' and 'On the other hand' can make your arguments flow more naturally.
introduction conclusion present
You have a well-developed conclusion that summarizes your main points and gives a clear opinion.
complete response
You address both viewpoints and provide reasons for your opinions, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
logical structure
The essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, which helps in presenting your arguments clearly.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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