IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #money #future
In contemporary society, many advocate for young people to save
money
 for their future,
while
 others believe in enjoying the present. I partly agree with
this
 topic, as I think both saving and spending
money
 have their respective merits. On the one hand, spending
money
 immediately offers several advantages. Young people can fully enjoy their lives without the constraints of age, work, or study, enabling them to travel during off-peak times and avoid crowded, expensive transportation.
This
 freedom can lead to a higher sense of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 and satisfaction.
Additionally
, with
low-interest
Correct your spelling
low interest
show examples
 rates on bank deposits, the real value of saved
money
 tends to decrease over time
due to
 inflation. There is
also
 the inherent risk of financial institutions or stock markets failing, as seen during the global financial crisis in the early 2000s, which resulted in significant losses for many investors.
On the other hand
, saving
money
 has undeniable benefits.
Firstly
, it provides a safety net, allowing individuals to be better prepared for unforeseen expenses,
such
 as medical emergencies or sudden job losses.
Moreover
, saving
money
 can enable people to retire earlier, avoiding the impact of rising retirement
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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due to
aging
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ageing
show examples
 populations in many countries. By accumulating savings, individuals can gain financial independence and security, helping them to face an uncertain future with greater confidence. In conclusion, both saving and spending
money
 have important aspects to consider. On balance, I believe that the decision should be based on personal preferences and individual circumstances, as both approaches can be valid depending on one's goals and priorities.
Submitted by xeyojnn on

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task achievement
Your essay could benefit from including more specific examples to support your points. For instance, when discussing the risks associated with financial institutions, you could mention more recent events or provide concrete statistics.
task achievement
Consider expanding on the balance between saving and spending by providing more concrete strategies for how young people might effectively manage their finances in a way that prioritizes both enjoyment of the present and preparation for the future.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive and balanced response to the prompt, addressing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both well-structured. They clearly state your position and summarize the main points of your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported and logically organized, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • safety net
  • unforeseen circumstances
  • emergencies
  • future investments
  • retirement planning
  • financial discipline
  • habit of saving
  • amassing wealth
  • substantial fund
  • opportunity cost
  • additional income
  • inflation
  • purchasing power
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