IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#children #countryside #city
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With an ever-increasing concern about how to utilize the residence of younger generations, some people have opined that rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more beneficial for
children
 to live
.
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in.
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This
 essay will,
however
, provide some reasons why I strongly disagree with the given opinion.
To begin
 with, some individuals argue that the countryside residence has better conditions for
children
 to grow. Given that the priority of parents is to maximize their
children
's physical and mental health well-being and provide
the
Correct article usage
a
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 polluted-free environment for
children
 who have been suffering from the environment hazardous
such
 as air pollution in urban areas, living in rural
area
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areas
show examples
 should be considered as a solution to bring many benefits. Considering that air pollution caused by
traffics
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traffic
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, factories and fine
dusts
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dust
specks of dust
clouds of dust
bags of dust
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 plays an important role in threatening
children
's respiratory and immune
system
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systems
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,
children
 should have a chance to be away from cities for their
good
Correct word choice
own good
show examples
. Despite the reasons mentioned above, I completely contend that living in
urban
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an urban
the urban
show examples
area
 is more beneficial for
children
. Providing a few agreements on previous arguments, and moving to other oppositions can illuminate a different perspective. Considering that educational,
inspirational
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and inspirational
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 opportunities are more structuralized in big cities, it is much beneficial for
children
 to gain experiences for their future
career
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careers
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. In Korea, the majority number of successful applicants for well-known universities are living in urban cities.
Moreover
, preparing for medical emergency
situation
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situations
show examples
 is crucial for
children
's healthy well-being, living in urban
area
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areas
show examples
 has a greater asset to provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
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access to those medical facilities.
Thus
, making
decision
Add an article
a decision
the decision
show examples
 on whether to decide the residence of
children
 should not be
sole
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the sole
a sole
show examples
 side of opinion. In conclusion, some individuals argue that
children
 living in rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 will bring great aspects.
Nevertheless
, I firmly believe that more consideration of other parties' facing issues should be taken into account to achieve more sustainable advantages.
Submitted by rachael0124 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance on the issue, which is commendable. However, the task achievement can be improved by more evenly balancing the discussion between the benefits of rural and urban living for children. Including more specific examples and concrete evidence can strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next. Using transition words and phrases can help bridge ideas smoothly. Additionally, the structure can be improved by clearly separating points in favor of the countryside and points supporting city living for a more balanced argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each main point is fully developed with sufficient detail and examples. This will make your essay more persuasive and comprehensive.
introduction and conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, outlining your position effectively. This adds to the clarity of your argument.
supported main points
You have highlighted key aspects such as health, education, and medical facilities when comparing rural and urban living, which provides a broad perspective on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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