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Band 6.5

There have been many inventions in human history, such as wheels. Some people think the most important thing is the internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#inventions #history #wheels #people #internet
There have been a number of inventions including wheels created by
people
 in history. It is often believed that the
Internet
 is the most significant of all. I partially disagree with
this
, for other electric machines
such
 as air-conditioners are more crucial for the survival of
people
 regardless of the fact that the
Internet
 has led to the arrival of the
information
 era. On the one hand, home appliances including an air-conditioner are essential for
people
 to have a comfortable life without having any effect from the change of the temperature.
In other words
,
people
 are not only able to protect themselves from severe cold and heat but
also
 enjoy various activities at home.
Furthermore
, an air-conditioner, always adjusting the temperature, has allowed
people
 to work for extended hours, which expands business and contributes greatly to national economic power.
Therefore
,air-conditioners have improved the standard of living and promoted more industries as
people
's actions are not restricted by the temperature.
On the other hand
, the
Internet
 is certainly one of the most sophisticated inventions in human history as
people
 are able to access an incredible amount of
information
 in a day. Indeed,
information
 ranging from sports to science boosts their knowledge and skills without even attending schools or reading academic books.
For instance
, I was able to knit a sweater by myself thanks to the abundant
information
 and practical tips provided online.
Thus
, the progress of the
Internet
 has encouraged
people
 to gain diverse skills and experience, which may be useful in every aspect of their lives. In conclusion, I somewhat disagree that the
Internet
 is the most influential invention as an air-conditioner protects the life of
people
 from hostile temperatures, expanding their activities during the day.
However
, the
Internet
 is crucial
due to
 a ton of
information
 available each day, from which
people
 can gain convenient knowledge and techniques.
Submitted by mizuho on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure the essay stays within a formal tone consistently, avoiding any conversational phrases.
Coherence and Cohesion
Add transitional phrases and words to further improve the coherence of your argument.
Task Achievement
Focus on deepening your analysis by providing additional examples or counterarguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a balanced argument, considering both sides of the debate.
Task Achievement
Main points are logically structured and well-supported with relevant examples.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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