IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, unhealthy lifestyles have become increasingly common for
children
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
 issue can be solved with the confluence of both parental and
school
Use synonyms
 help.
Although
Linking Words
 there are some factors that encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to maintain a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, I strongly believe that joint action by
parents
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 can greatly support a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. These days, with the development of technology and changing habits of living, unhealthy lifestyles could be popular among
school
Use synonyms
 students.
This
Linking Words
 trend can be tackled easily with efforts by
parents
Use synonyms
 and schools easily.First of all,
parents
Use synonyms
 play an important role in shaping the habits of every child, dedicating more time to them. Meanwhile,
parents
Use synonyms
 can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to follow their instructions, helping them to understand what is right and wrong.
This
Linking Words
 often leads
children
Use synonyms
 to foster their decision-making and problem-solving skills, altering their mindset in terms of living.
Such
Linking Words
 abilities could support every child in making wise decisions and helping them adjust to a new healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. In terms of developing a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
,
school
Use synonyms
 can teach them important subjects,
such
Linking Words
 as history and math, which play an integral role in discouraging
children
Use synonyms
 from adapting to a bad life. Those subjects are responsible for teaching students about historical figures and their lifestyles, urging them to imitate them in real life later on. There are some external factors that influence the development of a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 among schoolchildren. It is freedom. These days, more and more
children
Use synonyms
 are suffering from a lack of freedom in their lives. 
In other words
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 and schools are often under pressure to adjust to a
to a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
new
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, which is leading to bad results. As long as
children
Use synonyms
 have the independence to make personal decisions and do whatever they want, they try to live in different environments and choose the most alternative one.
Linking Words
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
 a result, it  eases the process of
adoptation
Correct your spelling
adopting
 of new
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.                                                                        
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there is one factor in shaping a healthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
, which is freedom, I strongly believe that parental and
school
Use synonyms
-related actions carry greater weight.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that every main point is thoroughly supported with specific and relevant examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Work on developing your main ideas further with greater detail and clarity. This will help in enhancing the depth of your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure internal coherence within each paragraph by linking sentences clearly and logically.
coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing the role of both parents and schools in tackling unhealthy lifestyles among children.
language use
Your language use and sentence structures are generally good, which helps convey your ideas clearly.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: