Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem.

In recent years, unhealthy lifestyles have become increasingly common for
children
, and
this
issue can be solved with the confluence of both parental and
school
help.
Although
there are some factors that encourage
children
to maintain a healthy
lifestyle
, I strongly believe that joint action by
parents
and
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
can greatly support a healthy
lifestyle
. These days, with the development of technology and changing habits of living, unhealthy lifestyles could be popular among
school
students.
This
trend can be tackled easily with efforts by
parents
and schools easily.First of all,
parents
play an important role in shaping the habits of every child, dedicating more time to them. Meanwhile,
parents
can encourage
children
to follow their instructions, helping them to understand what is right and wrong.
This
often leads
children
to foster their decision-making and problem-solving skills, altering their mindset in terms of living.
Such
abilities could support every child in making wise decisions and helping them adjust to a new healthy
lifestyle
. In terms of developing a healthy
lifestyle
,
school
can teach them important subjects,
such
as history and math, which play an integral role in discouraging
children
from adapting to a bad life. Those subjects are responsible for teaching students about historical figures and their lifestyles, urging them to imitate them in real life later on. There are some external factors that influence the development of a healthy
lifestyle
among schoolchildren. It is freedom. These days, more and more
children
are suffering from a lack of freedom in their lives. 
In other words
,
parents
and schools are often under pressure to adjust to a
to a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
new
lifestyle
, which is leading to bad results. As long as
children
have the independence to make personal decisions and do whatever they want, they try to live in different environments and choose the most alternative one.
as
Capitalize word
As
show examples
a result, it  eases the process of
adoptation
Correct your spelling
adopting
of new
lifestyle
.                                                                        
To conclude
,
although
there is one factor in shaping a healthy
lifestyle
, which is freedom, I strongly believe that parental and
school
-related actions carry greater weight.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing the role of both parents and schools in tackling unhealthy lifestyles among children.
language use
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Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

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  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

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  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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