IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Mobile phones and the internet could have many benefits for older adults. However, this age group uses technology the least. What are the benefits for older adults of using mobile phones and the internet? How can we encourage them to use this new technology?

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There has been rapid development in digital
devices
Use synonyms
 over the past 20 years. Older
generations
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 tend to use technology the least.
However
Linking Words
, innovations can
support
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 them to have a better quality of
living
Replace the word
life
show examples
 in terms of shopping or getting medical treatment. Providing detailed
support
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 and explanation for its usefulness is the way to encourage these
generations
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 to be familiar with developed technology. Using technological
devices
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 can be an unfamiliar
experience
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 for elders. Even so, it is undeniable that phones and the
internet
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 offer a range of
services
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 to improve their life. One possible convenience the elderly can
experience
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 is online shopping. Many retired
generations
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,
for example
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,
experience
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 hardship in walking or driving regularly to shops and carry heavy bags of daily necessities. By using the
internet
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 and smart
devices
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, they can get the staff they need without actually visiting the shop. Another outcome is the medical treatment.
Although
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 it may lack some accuracy, people can get medical
services
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 online by explaining the symptoms through video calls.
This
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 service
benefits
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 older
generations
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 to easily tackle their health concerns. To let elders use these
services
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, several methods can be taken.
First,
Linking Words
detailed
support
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 can be provided by the company to make the user
experience
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 more comfortable. Considering that aged people often get confused by the system itself, mechanical
support
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 is essential.
Secondly
Linking Words
, promoting the
benefits
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 of using the
services
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 can attract customers. Older
generations
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 are not well-educated about these topics,
thus
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, explanation is a key to
ease
Wrong verb form
easing
show examples
 their anxiety.
For example
Linking Words
, Docomo, a Japanese company that provides
internet
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services
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, often holds a workshop for elders to explain the
benefits
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 and the risks of using smart
devices
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. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay considers the
benefits
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 of using advanced technologies to be online shopping and getting medical treatment. To motivate the aged generation to use phones and the
internet
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, detailed
support
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 must be provided with a deep explanation
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of the service.

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task achievement
To further improve your essay, ensure that the main points are consistently supported with detailed examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Consider linking your paragraphs with clear transitional phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-crafted introduction and conclusion, which present the topic clearly and summarize the key points effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively, providing both an explanation of the benefits and suggestions for encouraging technology use among older adults.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and you've included relevant examples to support your main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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