With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are even threatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it is important yo protect animals? what measures can be taken to deal with this problem?

Many
animals
are facing
extinction
and could possibly lose their homes because
humans
are developing cities, cutting down forests and killing
wildlife
illegally.
Animals
are living creatures just like
humans
;
therefore
, I believe they should be treated
accordingly
.
This
could be achieved by the government enforcing strict rules, which prevent animal cruelty. It is essential for
humans
to adopt a more responsible approach to preserving natural habitats to ensure that
wildlife
remains protected from harm and
extinction
. In my opinion, people often forget that creatures living in the forest are able to feel pain and experience suffering, just like us. If more individuals were reminded of
this
, fewer
animals
would be endangered and stripped away from their homes.
For instance
, the success of
wildlife
conservation efforts in Costa Rica demonstrates the importance of protecting natural habitats. The country’s focus on preserving its rainforests has not only saved countless species from
extinction
but
also
boosted ecotourism, providing a sustainable economic model that benefits both
humans
and
wildlife
. Government intervention and stronger legal protections are critical to preventing the
extinction
of endangered species. They need to carefully examine the issues in the legal system and create new rules, which would provide better protection for
animals
. There should be large fees and jail time for those, who fail to obey the law. Because of that, people would take the consequences of their actions into consideration and stop taking part in activities that lead
animals
closer to death. The lack of strict enforcement of anti-poaching laws in regions like sub-Saharan Africa has contributed to the decline of elephants and rhinos.
However
, countries like Botswana have seen success by increasing patrols and implementing harsher penalties for poachers, showing that strong government action can make a significant difference. In conclusion,
while
humans
continue to endanger species, it is important to be compassionate and try to stop these acts.
Furthermore
, world leaders should improve the legal system, so that
animals
can live freely.
Submitted by evijavidemane on

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coherence and cohesion
To reach a top score, try to include a wider variety of transitional phrases to enhance the cohesion between ideas. Currently, the essay is coherent, but sometimes additional linking words can make the flow even smoother.
task achievement
While the essay is strong and addresses the task well, there is room for more in-depth exploration of the measures to protect animals. Adding a few more examples or detailing more specific policies could elevate the response even further.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion, which provide a good framework for your arguments.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your main points, which significantly strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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