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Writing Samples
Band 6

some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary times, the
further
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 path of
children
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 usually has become a crucial concern
due to
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this
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 phenomenon, there are distinct points of view arguing that
,
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 the time of
children
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 should be intellectually organized, if not, it can be a time-wasting process. From my point of view, there should be a balance between leisure activities where the young generation would be capable of relaxing after the studying process. Primarily, since younger ages,
children
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 should be involved in intellectually and physically beneficial tasks, where they are capable of enhancing mental capacities and physical skills, here well-structured daily plans can be undoubtedly useful.
For example
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, Management for parents is considered to be helpful, so if a child spends a part of a day on educational aspects
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 as enrolling cognitively improving courses like chess or math which most
children
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 find appealing.
Moreover
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, a separation of the scheme into odd and even days and including activities is
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 one of the effective approaches.
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,
children
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 should be allowed to relax and enjoy the process without being under pressure which can generate unpredictable consequences
such
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 as depression, chronic headaches and even burnout.
According to
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 recent research,
children
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 from young ages struggle with anxiety more frequently and a fear of failure with long-term competitions may cause burnout as well. As we know, during the period of study, kids may face comparing issues between peers and get jealous or angry when they do not win. Occasionally,
children
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 must have time just to have the pleasure of childhood by playing outside and doing unnecessary activities which on the other side can
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 be useful for them. In conclusion, considering and ensuring
children
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's successful careers is a huge responsibility of parents,
as well as
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 enrolling them on educational tasks and courses somehow can guarantee it,
however
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, the allowance of allocating their childhood to a full of pleasure and happiness should be
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 provided in order to mitigate unanticipated threats in
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further
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the further
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 path.

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task achievement
Your introduction gives a clear view of your opinion, which is good. Try to make the thesis statement stronger by clearly stating your own belief in the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea. This will help in making your argument more clear. You had some good points but try to expand on them more.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer transitions between ideas, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', and 'Finally' to help guide the reader.
task achievement
While examples are present, ensure that they are relevant and specifically link to your argument on the topic. Expanding on them with detail can be helpful.
task achievement
Good effort in discussing the need for both education and leisure in children's lives. This balance is a strong point in your essay.
coherence and cohesion
You have successfully addressed different aspects of the topic, showing an understanding of the implications of both structured and unstructured time for children.
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