IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In the past, people stored knowledge in the book. Nowadays, people store knowledge on the internet. Do you think advantages outweigh disadvantages?

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Nowadays, people tend to save their
information
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 on the internet through online clouds.
However
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, in the past, they could do
this
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 at the library through physical books. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall elaborate on the pros that outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand,
firstly
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, it is obvious that if we use online platforms for storing
data
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, we will be able to guarantee our security.
In other words
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, we can preserve them from cyber-attacks through some practical ways,
such
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 as powerful firewalls that can provide enough preservation for our workstations.
Secondly
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, we do not have any limitations to web-based applications in terms of saving and loading
information
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.
Thus
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, it would be a great idea if we developed
this
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 infrastructure that can be helpful
due to
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 its convenience.
For example
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, in the USA, most banks prefer to utilize safe database applications to appeal to more customers. They assume that effective solutions,
such
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 as hiring a security team can decrease their risk of cyber-attack.
On the other hand
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, critics argue that traditional methods of maintaining
data
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 are better than modern ones. They think that the archiving and classification of them are the best way
that is
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 suitable for us.
However
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, I believe that it is crucial to keep our
information
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 online
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 as if we can not access it, we will be able to recover it conveniently.
It is clear that
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 if we lose our physical materials, we will not be able to recover them.
Therefore
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, it is advisable to improve cutting-edge technologies that are related to internet advancement.
For instance
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, in India, the central government would like to employ backup teams who are profitable regarding
data
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 recovery. In conclusion, technological improvements,
such
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 as the Internet and applications are better than traditional methods in terms of storing
data
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due to
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 safety and storage.
Also
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, they can load
information
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 faster than physical sources.

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task achievement
Your essay shows a clear understanding of the task and addresses all parts of the question. However, elaborating a bit more on specific advantages and giving more concrete examples could strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While your essay generally flows well, there are a few spots where the transition between ideas could be smoother. This could be achieved by adding a few more linking phrases or sentences.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are generally well-supported, adding more detailed examples would bolster your argument. For instance, you could reference specific studies or statistics related to data security or usage trends.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction is clear and provides a good framework for the essay. It sets up the discussion of pros and cons effectively.
task achievement
You provide balanced viewpoints, considering both advantages and disadvantages, which strengthens your argument and shows critical thinking.
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