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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages

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Health issues are becoming less and less nowadays.
People
Use synonyms
 believe
this
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 situation made them live longer than ever before. Some
people
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 consider overpopulation of elder
people
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 might have a bad impact on governments,
while
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 others think its benefits outweigh that statement.
This
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 essay will explore why having an ageing population draws more advantages than drawbacks for two main reasons.
Firstly
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, when talking about decision-making in a society,
people
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 prefer to hear advice from older
people
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. Through their experience,
elders
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 already witnessed more situations than young
people
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.
Moreover
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, for that reason, they can give others a wiser solution based on their condition.
People
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also
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 have some respect for their
elders
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.
For example
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, if the neighbourhood is at odds with each other they will listen to the
elders
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 to solve the problem.
Secondly
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, there will be more facilities in the society because of the limitation of elder
people
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. Governments should build infrastructures that elderly-friendly.
Furthermore
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, the number of public places will
also
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 increase
due to
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 a massive growth in infrastructure.
This
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 benefits not only for the
elders
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 but
also
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 for other citizens.
For instance
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, in the train station, it is hard for elder
people
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 to use a ladder to go upstairs,
the
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so the
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 lift will be built by the workers. In conclusion, having more
elders
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 in society offers more benefits than disadvantages
such
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 as helping society’s problems and creating more public facilities.
Therefore
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, there is no reason for
people
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 to live longer, the most important thing that
people
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 need is collaboration from both parties young and old citizens.

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task response
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic, addressing both the benefits and potential drawbacks of an ageing population. However, to improve, make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses respect for elders and their wisdom, so all sentences in that paragraph should support this idea. Similarly, the second body paragraph should solely focus on infrastructure improvements.
coherence and cohesion
The logical flow of your essay is generally good, but some sentences could be reordered or split to enhance clarity. Try to use linking words and phrases more effectively to show the relationship between your ideas, such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' and 'However,' to improve the coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
introduction
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's position, which sets a clear direction for the essay.
supported point
Your examples are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively, such as the example of decision-making in communities and the construction of elder-friendly infrastructure.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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