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Band 5

Some people think that cars should be banned from large cities.

#people #cars #cities
It is argued whether most cities should adopt the system of banning private cars or not.I support the first point of view and
sure
Add a missing verb
am sure
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 that it would have had a more positive effect. On the one hand,
such
 a change would affect
on
Change preposition
apply
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the
number
 of vehicles on the road.There would be no traffic jams.More people would go on foot and only public
transport
 would be used.Reducing the
number
 of means of transportation would allow to pollute the atmosphere less
,
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apply
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because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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less waste would released.
Consequently
,we would get more free traffic and pollute nature less.
For instance
,Almaty city in Kazakhstan,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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 is for its polluted air and the smoke
due to
 the galore of cars.
On the other hand
,there would
no
Add a missing verb
be no
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 economic problems from
this
 reform,since it is quite expensive to maintain a car.The
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
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of
Change preposition
for
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 constant repair, fuel and the cost of the car itself often do not justify the services provided.
In addition
, cars take up a lot of space and every day, if nothing is changed, there will only be more of them.The capacity of a car is 10 times less than that of a bus, so it will take the same
number
 of times more private
transport
 for a certain
number
 of people. In conclusion,
i
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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 would I agree that the continued use of private
transport
 will be much more harmful than we can imagine now.
Although
 using public
transport
 will be less comfortable, it will prevent the planet from overflowing and polluting the atmosphere.So, a gradual transition to
this
 system could take place without noticeable damage.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and avoid run-on sentences. For example: 'On the one hand,such a change would affect on the number of vehicles on the road.There would be no traffic jams.More people would go on foot and only public transport would be used.' can be restructured for clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Add transitions between points to improve flow. For example: 'In conclusion,i would I agree that the continued use of private transport will be much more harmful' can include a smoother transition from the previous paragraph.
task achievement
Make sure to thoroughly support arguments with relevant examples. The example of Almaty is good but could be expanded to further illustrate the point, such as by discussing specific efforts the city has made to reduce pollution from cars.
task achievement
You presented a clear stance on the issue and consistently supported it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the argument presented.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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