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Band 4.5

Some people think that sports are important for personal development, while others believe that they are just a leisure activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #sports #development #leisure #activity
People
 often hold varied views about sport's impact on an individual's holistic development both in its favour and opposition. In my opinion,
games
 play a vital role in the growth of
people
 as it helps to maintain the body and one can build a career as well in
this
 field. On the one hand, proponents claim that playing
sports
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
necessory
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for
people
.
As the
Change preposition
The
show examples
people
 who do not exercise or play any physical
games
Add a comma
games,
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
tend to
more
Add a missing verb
be more
show examples
 vulnerable to illnesses.
Besides
 that, there are many
sports
 events held in almost every city to aware the public for playing
games
 . There should be no age limit as well.
Additionally
,
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
official players who
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
 national
sports
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are
finanicial stablize
Correct your spelling
financially stable
 as
World level
Correct your spelling
world-level
show examples
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
 like
Olymics
Correct your spelling
Olympics
 can change the
players
Change to a genitive case
player's
players'
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and open various opportunities for them to grow.
On the other hand
,
as per
Change preposition
apply
show examples
opponents assert that playing
games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 only
spare
Correct article usage
a spare
show examples
 time
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
. In
this
 contemporary era,
due to
 their hectic schedules,
people
 have no time to get involved in
such
games
 as it requires
lot
Add an article
a lot
show examples
 of time
invenstment
Correct your spelling
investment
.
Furthermore
,
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lack of awareness among
people
 about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the main
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 losing their interest in
such
games
. I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there should be
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
extra curricular activities
an extra curricular activity
show examples
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 activities in the schools to explain
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 children about
games
 and encourage them to relax their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
while
 playing. At the adult stage, there should be
genre
Correct article usage
a genre
show examples
sports
 centre to evolve public
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
activities.
To sum up
, Playing
sports
 can be proven commendable if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical education
should be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 provided from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early child of
people
.
Submitted by rk366704 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that supporting sentences directly relate to that topic sentence. Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Strengthen your task achievement by providing more detailed explanations and relevant examples to support your main points. Ensure each argument is fully developed and clearly connected to the essay prompt.
task achievement
The essay makes a genuine effort to discuss both views on the topic, which fulfills the basic requirement of the task.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and the conclusion are present, giving the essay a clear structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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