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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.
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The line graph illustrates the amount of Tourist Information
Office
Fix the agreement mistake
Offices
show examples
 in one city was received enquiries
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 3
differents
Correct your spelling
different
show examples
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 during six
month
Change to a plural noun
months
show examples
.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of enquiries by
telephone
Use synonyms
 and in
person
Use synonyms
shown
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 upward
tends
Correct your spelling
trends
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
enquries
Correct your spelling
enquiries
 by letter or e-mail was
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 decrease.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the first month, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
contect
Correct your spelling
contact
by
Correct pronoun usage
us by
show examples
telephone
Use synonyms
 was
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
 around 900
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 approximately over 400
people
Use synonyms
 choose enquiries
direct
Replace the word
directly
show examples
 in
person
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
person
Replace the word
personal
show examples
contect
Correct your spelling
contact
 and
telephone
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
significantly increased after the third month. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
contect
Correct your spelling
contact
content
 directed
dramatic
Replace the word
drama
show examples
 rose to around 1900
people
Use synonyms
highter
Correct your spelling
higher
 than
enquirise
Correct your spelling
enquiries
 by
telephone
Use synonyms
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of the period.
In contrast
Linking Words
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, the figure of
people
Use synonyms
 who
enquirise
Correct your spelling
enquiries
 by letter or
e-mial
Correct your spelling
e-mail
was remained
Change to the active voice
remained
show examples
just
Change preposition
at just
show examples
 under 800
people
Use synonyms
during
Change preposition
from
show examples
 January to March. Before gradually decrease to around 300
people
Use synonyms
 on May and stable
thoughout
Correct your spelling
throughout
 the period.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, telephone, person, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • enquiries
  • Tourist Information Office
  • in person
  • by letter/email
  • by telephone
  • general trend
  • six-month period
  • significant increase
  • steady rise
  • decline
  • peak
  • fluctuations
  • monthly data
  • comparison
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