IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some feel that individuals should try to assimilate completely to the country where they live while others feel it is more important to preserve their native culture. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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Many think that it is crucial for households to adapt to the country in which they live,
while
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 others believe
people
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 should protect cultural activities. In
this
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 essay , I will examine why I believe that,
while
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 adjusting tolerance of various new cultures is essential for integration and cohesion , upholding our traditional culture and protecting it from extinction is more important. Those who are in support of assimilating monoculture point out that
due to
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 digitalisation throughout all aspects of
people
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's lives, the whole world has been connected together.
In other words
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,
people
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 can go straightforwardly wherever they want or make friends from different parts of the world
thus
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, learning new cultures and accepting them are the keys to increasing tolerance of different traditions among individuals. A counter-example for
this
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, immigrating
people
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 to social nations
such
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 as England. When they arrive, the government support them in learning the language and British ethic in order to preserve their land from disintegration. In recent decades, the most momentous shift in society has involved progress related to modern life around the world.
For instance
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, younger
people
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 are more interested in migrating from their homes to lead a new life. If
this
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 occurs in enough numbers,
then
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 thousands of unique , distinct cultures will fade into an inevitable monoculture. Once
this
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 happens, there will be no way to retrieve past
form
Fix the agreement mistake
forms
show examples
and they will become a part of history
instead
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 of living monuments. In conclusion ,
While
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public
Add an article
the public
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 should fit into the new modern life that has been made
due to
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 technology, Keeping
ethic
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ethics
show examples
 and encouraging youngsters to follow them should not be ignored.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your opinion more explicitly. While you mention that both sides will be examined, making your stance clearer will improve your score.
Task Achievement
Try to develop more relevant examples, especially for the points on integrating into the new culture. This will strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between your points. Use more linking phrases or cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs better, which will improve the overall coherence.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument, which is essential for a well-rounded response.
Task Achievement
You demonstrate a good understanding of the issue and provide thoughtful insight on the balance between assimilation and cultural preservation.
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