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Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Compare and contrast the advantages & disadvantages

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It has been witnessed recently in some countries a considerable percentage of young people as compared to the old ones.
However
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,
such
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 a phenomenon has both advantages and disadvantages as will be presented in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the advantageous sides. It is well known that any country, that has a young population more than elderly individuals, is described as a strong nation for many reasons.
Firstly
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, its members are active and productive.
In other words
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,
such
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 countries do not need foreign employment,
instead
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, they have local minds and workers, who are able to develop and compete with other nations.
Secondly
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, the young adults are usually in a healthy condition, in the sense that, they do not need governmental expenditures as elderly individuals who need costly medical care.
On the other hand
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, it can not be denied that the competition to find jobs will be tough.
Consequently
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, wages will decline as the workforce becomes available. Meaning that the incomes and the life conditions would not be on a good level.
For example
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, workers in Bangladesh get lower wage averages if compared to those in
another country
Fix the agreement mistake
other countries
show examples
.
To sum up
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, the aforementioned points clearly highlight both the merits and the demerits.
Any way
Replace the word
Anyway
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 it can easily be noticed that the downsides of
this
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 issue are eclipsed by its benefits
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because there would not be any achievements or developments without young members.

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task adequately, it could benefit from more specific examples or data to support the points made. This would strengthen the argument and provide clearer evidence for the claims.
task achievement
Some points, especially in the drawbacks section, could be elaborated further. Providing more details would help in explaining the ideas comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Using more transition words and phrases can help in maintaining coherence and guiding the reader through the argument.
task achievement
Try to provide more balanced arguments. While the essay does address both advantages and disadvantages, the discussion could be more evenly distributed to give a clearer comparison.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured. They provide a clear overview and summary of the topic, respectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are relevant and clearly presented. Each paragraph has a focused idea which makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The use of linking words and phrases, such as 'Firstly', 'In other words', and 'To sum up', helps in guiding the reader through the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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