IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the government should spend money to create more art such as paintings and statues in cities to make them a better place to live to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #money #art #paintings #statues #cities #place
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In
this
 contemporary world, it is argued that in order to create the best place to live the government should create more artworks, like statues. I partially agree with
this
 idea and in
this
 essay, I will try to draw some conclusions.
Firstly
, it is believed that establishing more art can create a great atmosphere for
people
 to live
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
 Because the more statues there are in a city, the more tourists will visit it.
Thus
, it will become a popular tourist destination. Another option is that masterpieces help preserve culture and traditions, building great compatriots from stones, or even from gold. More and more countries are visiting countries with a huge amount of art. Take Paris as an example. It is the most popular tourist destination thanks to its statues and art galleries.
Consequently
, it helps to improve a country's economy.
On the other hand
, I believe that there are lots of factors that contribute to
people
's level of happiness. Specifically, economic stability, high income of
people
, and, of course, less pollution of both air, noise and water. If the government can create all conditions for a high standard of living, more
people
 will visit these cities, and,
hence
, the population will just become happy and try to do their best in order to contribute to the development of their countries.
In other words
, factors except
from
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
artworks are vital for
overall
 well-being. In conclusion,
while
 I argue that masterpieces can improve a region's economy, I would
also
 argue that other factors except craft are vital.
Submitted by halilova039 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the task effectively. However, you could strengthen your argument by providing more specific examples and elaborating on your points in greater detail.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is logical. The use of linking words could be improved to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using more varied cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes well, your essay could benefit from a more engaging hook in the introduction and a more impactful concluding statement.
task achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's overall structure is logical, and your main points are presented in a coherent manner.
task achievement
You included a relevant example (Paris as a popular tourist destination), which strengthens your argument about the economic benefits of art.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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