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Band 4.5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries.Explain the main causes and effects of this problem,and suggest some possible solutions.

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
At the present time,
toddler's
Change noun form
toddler
show examples
obesity is becoming the main problem in many societies around the world.
This
 essay
is discussing
Wrong verb form
discusses
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the negative causes of childhood obesity and
providing
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provides
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some solutions. On one hand,there are many causes of childhood fatness. First of all,eat junk
food
 . To explain most
children
 prefer to eat junk
food
 rather than fresh or healthy
food
.
For example
 hamburgers,chips,MC Donalds and drink sugary soft drinks.
As a result
, their body will be so fat and unhealthy, unfit and overweight. The second factor is lack of exercise.Nowadays most
children
 sit at home all day.To explain they don't go outside to do physical activity which helps them to move their body like walking running or playing with their friends.
Therefore
 they will focus on a higher risk of diseases like diabetes, heart disease and cancer.
In addition
, the majority of
children
 like to play indoors rather than play outside or do sports.
For example
,play computer games,chat on the internet or play games on their phones.
To sum up
 they will be a burden on hospitals in the future. In conclusion, it is true that obesity among
children
 with its negative impacts is growing but it seems to me that there are many solutions to these problems as giving
children
 healthy
food
 and controlling what they eat.
Also
,it is the parents,schools and government's responsibility to encourage
children
 to exercise daily.
Submitted by lailakhalil3 on

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task achievement
Try to include more concrete examples and detailed explanations to fully support your main points. This will help enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between points by using transitional phrases and clearly linking them back to the main thesis. This can help create a smoother, more cohesive essay.
coherence cohesion
Consider breaking down longer sentences and paragraphs to make the essay easier to read and understand.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the main causes and effects of childhood obesity, and have suggested solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the discussion well.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant and on-topic, which shows a good understanding of the issue at hand.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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