IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantanges outweigh the disadvamtages?

#people #world #media #touch #news #events #advantanges #disadvamtages
These days, technology has been developing immediately, so global inhabitants can not only receive the news and events on
time
 but
also
 Communicate with each other via social
media
.
while
 these social
media
 have several merits, I still cannot overshadow the drawbacks. On the one hand, using social
media
 has a number of benefits.
firstly
, if
people
 have access to social
media
, they can go to either events or competitions in their free
time
 and get new experiences.
Secondly
, it is important that populations on social
media
 can find new friends and upgrade their relationships.
Thirdly
,
people
 on social
media
 share their experiences about everything and each where that they have trips to and others can use them.
On the other hand
, the demerits of these platforms are varied. On the one side, in communities that have a
lot
 of activity on social
media
,
people
 won't have a
lot
 of
time
 for themselves.
In other words
, most of the
time
 these kinds of
people
 spend the whole of their leisure
time
 on it and they cannot go to the various events that they know about. On the other side, most global inhabitants who are on social
media
 have mental issues inasmuch as they do not have real relationships with their friends and family;
furthermore
, they see the good position of other
people
's lives and see their differences. In conclusion, social
media
's bad points can outweigh the advantages owing to the fact that it has a
lot
 of negative effects on
people
's lifestyles;
therefore
,I advise that populations do not spend a
lot
 of
time
 on social.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on your paragraph structure to improve logical flow. Ensure that the transition between points is smooth to help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but can be stronger. Clarify your stance clearly in the introduction and summarize main points effectively in the conclusion.
task achievement
While your main points are clear, they can be further supported with more in-depth examples and evidence. Try to balance the discussion of advantages and disadvantages more evenly.
task achievement
You covered both the advantages and disadvantages of social media use, which shows a balanced approach.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • to connect with friends and family
  • to preserve bonds
  • real-time updates
  • a wide range of perspectives
  • global happenings
  • business opportunities
  • networking opportunities
  • mental health issues
  • unrealistic portrayals of life
  • privacy breaches
  • identity theft
  • addiction
  • time management
  • productivity
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