There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Music
is part culture
identity of a Replace the word
cultural
country
. Some people think traditional music
is better than international music
and vice versa. However
, I believe both traditional and international music
have their uniqueness.
Local music
shows an identity to society. Through local music
, we are able to learn the history and diversity of a country
. The strengthening of local music
sometimes has a big impact on national economic development. For example
, traditional musicmusic
in Yogyakarta attracted tourists and travellers. They even take a course for a year, minimum, to learn more about Yogyakartas’s traditional Correct your spelling
music music
music
. Moreover
, several international organization has representatives in
to study Change preposition
apply
history
of traditional Add an article
the history
music
in Yogyakarta. Traditional music
also
could be a political campaign. Learning local music
is learning about how cultural society works in Yogyakarta, and it can be a good approach to partnerships.
The popularity of traditional music
is almost the same with
international Change preposition
of
music
nowadays. Even though the number of the
fans of transitional Correct article usage
apply
music
is not as big as international music
, each of them has a targeted audience. Nowadays, international musics contribute to the economics of the country
. For example
, Korean Music
, K-POP, has become extremely popular in the world. Many people are willing to spend their money to buy a
concert tickets or albums of idols, even if the price is very expensive. Not only that, the concert of K-POP will impact on local economics of a host Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
country
, tickets, hotels, drinks, food and any other businesses.
In summary, both traditional and international music
have their own value and uniqueness. Through two types of music
, people can familiar with each other’s culture.Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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coherence cohesion
The essay presents clear points, but there are areas where ideas could be better developed and more cohesive. Try to ensure that each paragraph directly supports your thesis statement and that transitions between ideas are smoother.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will help in making your argument more cohesive and easier to follow.
task achievement
Your ideas and examples are mostly relevant, but there are minor inaccuracies and grammatical errors. Proofreading your work or having someone else review it can help in making your writing clearer and error-free.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the question, providing a balanced view on the importance of both traditional and international music.
task achievement
The examples used, particularly the ones about Yogyakarta and K-POP, are specific and relevant, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that tie the essay together well, which contributes positively to the overall structure of your essay.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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