IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Public celebrations( such as national days, festivals, etc) are held in most countries. Theses are often quite expensive and some people say that governments should spend money on more useful things Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often believed that the
government
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 in many countries should not waste a lot of
money
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 on public
celebrations
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 as it should be invested in more convenient things. I partially agree with
this
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, for
money
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 should be spent to improve the life of people regardless of the importance of
celebrations
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 to increase the awareness of their own cultures. On the one hand, the
government
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 should spend
money
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 on
celebrations
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, which can promote the understanding of cultures and traditions.
In other words
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, national festivals play a significant role in raising the awareness of rituals and old customs as many people especially young adults are more ignorant of their own backgrounds.
For instance
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, celebrating
children
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's day in Japan has been successful in letting them know about a traditional food called "kashiwamochi" that they eat to maintain their health. Even though the
government
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 spends more than a million yen hosting
this
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 national event, more
children
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 are encouraged to respect
such
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 a traditional lifestyle and think about their connections with their ancestors, which is
also
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 beneficial to prevent tradition from disappearing.
On the other hand
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, public funds should be invested in other important areas that directly impact people's lives.
For example
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, there are the growing demands of technology in education, which makes the distribution of a
computer
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 device to each student increasingly essential.
Furthermore
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, more
children
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 are expected to possess
computer
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 skills
such
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 as searching information and programming that are demanded in current society and the authorities should provide financial support to promote their necessary skills and intelligence.
Consequently
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,
children
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 will be provided with opportunities to discover different functions of computers, which will be useful in every aspect of their lives in the future. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that the
government
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 should not spend much
money
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 on
celebrations
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 because they can be invested to provide
children
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 with individual
computer
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 devices so they are more likely to gain significant
computer
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 skills.
However
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, since national
celebrations
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also
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 play a critical role in raising the awareness of cultures, the
government
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 is required to make a clever decision.

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task achievement
You have presented a balanced and well-articulated argument, addressing both sides of the issue effectively. To achieve a higher score, further develop each point with additional specific examples and analysis.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both perspectives, offering a nuanced viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph is organized around a central idea, and relevant examples are provided to support the arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural heritage
  • economic boost
  • local economies
  • social cohesion
  • national unity
  • educational value
  • government spending
  • public services
  • healthcare
  • infrastructure
  • balanced approach
  • national identity
  • community
  • tourists
  • social harmony
  • historical significance
  • younger generation
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