IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The news about violent crimes may frighten people or, on the contrary, encourage them to commit a crime. Therefore, some believe that these types of news should not be reported in newspapers or on TV. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is an argument that the
news
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 related to violent
crimes
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 should not be widespread because it possibly terrifies people or even stimulates viewers to commit a
crime
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. I partly agree with
this
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 claim.
However
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, I
also
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 believe that the
news
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 about violent
crimes
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also
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 plays a significant role in saving societies. On the negative side, violent
crime
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news
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 could provoke people to commit
crimes
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.
This
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 is because criminals easily imitate them by watching the
news
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 of violent
crime
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. Typically,
crime
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 reports contain information about
in
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apply
show examples
which way cases were handled. If these details are depicted precisely, it would lead to other
crimes
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.
Additionally
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,
such
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 detailed reports would provide harmful effects to children as they have not had a firm criterion to distinguish right or wrong.
On the other hand
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, the media coverage of violent
crime
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 is necessary to warn citizens to prevent being involved in
crimes
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, particularly in the case that a criminal has not been caught yet.
For example
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, when a violent
crime
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 to elementary school students happened in Japan, police did not find a suspect immediately. The media had been warning adults to watch out to keep children safe every day until the suspect was caught.
Moreover
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, coverage of violent
crimes
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 can be an opportunity to address underlying social issues related to
crimes
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, including poverty, lack of education, and welfare, and foster societal improvement. In conclusion, it is true that the
news
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 about violent
crime
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 has some ill effects.
However
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, the coverage would be able to save citizen’s lives through causing precautions.
Therefore
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, I believe that
while
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 it is necessary to report violent
crimes
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,
such
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 reports should be handled with caution to avoid unnecessary details that could inspire imitation.

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement. While you've partially agreed with the topic, try to make your stance more distinct in the introduction. This helps set the tone for the rest of the essay.
task achievement
While you have used relevant examples, more specific statistics, reports, or real-life incidents could strengthen your argument further. Consider adding a bit more detail to the examples you provide, to reinforce your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, using transitional phrases can help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Each of your supporting points is well-developed, but the essay would be even stronger if you made sure each one is tied back to your thesis statement. This helps with overall cohesion and reinforces your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly states the argument and your partially agreeing stance, which sets the stage well for the rest of the essay. This is a strong start.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion nicely ties back to the main argument, summarizing your points effectively and reinforcing your stance. This provides a satisfying closure to your essay.
relevant specific examples
The examples you use, particularly the one related to Japan, are relevant and add a strong touch to your arguments. They make your essay more persuasive and grounded in reality.
logical structure
Each paragraph in your essay focuses on a single main point, which is clearly supported by examples and explanations. This clear structure makes it easy for readers to follow your argument.
complete response
The balance in your argument, acknowledging both sides of the issue, makes your essay appear well-rounded and fair-handed. This is a strong point in your task achievement.
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