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Band 7.5

Nowadays, many people in developed countries are extremely overweight. What are the causes? What are the solutions to this problem ?

#people #countries
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These days, the majority of
people
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 who live in advanced countries are strikingly obese.
This
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 is mainly because of poor diets and lack of physical activity. There are a number of solutions that
people
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 must be aware of to deal with the
issue
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 of being overweight.
Firstly
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, a reason many
people
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 suffer from
obesity
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 is
due to
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 poor diets. A diet
that is
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 high in
calories
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, sugar, and unhealthy
fats
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 can contribute to
obesity
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.
In other words
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, fast food and processed foods,
such
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 as burgers and pizza, are often extremely high in
calories
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 and low in nutrients, which can lead to the accumulation of
fats
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 in the
body
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, resulting in weight gain.
Secondly
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, overweight conditions are
also
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 owing to a lack of physical activity. A sedentary lifestyle with minimal physical movement can lead to
obesity
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because the human
body
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 requires some form of exercise in order for the
calories
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 to be burned. There are two effective solutions to the problem of being overweight. One way to tackle
this
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 is for
people
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 to eat a healthy diet by avoiding processed foods and starting to eat organic foods. By doing
this
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 and eating food
that is
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 low in
calories
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 and
fats
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, it allows the
body
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 to burn the
fats
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 and
calories
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 already present in the
body
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, leading to weight loss. Another way to solve
this
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issue
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 is to exercise regularly. Regular exercise can help burn
calories
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 and improve
overall
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 health.
For instance
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, running for thirty minutes three days a week is enough to maintain the
body
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 in good and healthy condition. In conclusion, eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly are effective in dealing with
this
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issue
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. If
people
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 apply these solutions,
obesity
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 will no longer be considered an
issue
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.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Improve the depth of examples: Although there are examples, they could be more detailed to fully support the points made.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions: Although your essay flows well, adding a few more transitional phrases can enhance the flow between points.
coherence cohesion
Add more depth to your conclusions: The conclusion is good, but it can be more impactful by summarizing the main points and restating why the solutions proposed are effective.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion: The essay begins with a clear introduction to the problem and ends with a concise conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure: The essay follows a logical structure, making it easy to follow the argument.
task achievement
Complete response to the question: You have addressed both parts of the question, providing causes and solutions to the problem of obesity.
task achievement
Clear and comprehensive ideas: The ideas are clearly articulated and easy to understand.
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