IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think government should ban dangerous sports; others, however, believe that people should be free to do whatever they choose. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #government #ban #sports
There is an opinion that aims to get policies against the practice of dangerous
sports
.
However
, there is
also
 a concern in
this
 orientation. In
this
 essay, I
argument
Replace the word
argue
show examples
 the two different positions and I explain why I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
freedom
 should be never limited.
To begin
 with, over the past years, it is undoubtedly true that extreme
sports
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 become more and more common.
However
, the downsides of
sports
 like free-climbing,
parcour
Correct your spelling
parkour
 or
bunjing
Correct your spelling
bunging
bunting
bunking
 jumping are impacting not only the emotional sphere of friends, relatives and families of the practitioners
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 the health care system.
For example
, rescuing a person
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has fallen from a mountain, or a building can be problematic, especially if the
rescuing
Replace the word
rescue
show examples
 operation implies the use of
helicopter
Add an article
a helicopter
show examples
 or the intervention of doctors on site.
For
this
 reason, many
people
 would like to restrict the more risky
sports
 as they consider these emergencies avoidable.
Nevertheless
, a governmental policy in
this
 matter will open a series of issues in relation to the
people
's
freedom
. Practicing a sport falls into the realm of hobbies, and in democratic
governments
Add a comma
governments,
show examples
such
 a restriction will be extensively problematic for ideas like
freedom
 and liberty. In fact, I agree with the fact that
people
 should be free to do whatever they choose, even though it can have consequences
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the community system. I think that it is not a law that will be able to stop extreme
sports
.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
people
 embarking
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 these practices are approaching through severe
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 and workshops.
This
 means that before any
performace
Correct your spelling
performance
 they have tested their bodies several times. In conclusion, despite many
people
 would
prefer
Replace the word
preference
show examples
 to control the practice of dangerous
sports
 I strongly believe that any law can fully prevent the consequences,
moreover
 any policies should ban
people
's
freedom
.
Submitted by ___kkkoo___ on

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task achievement
You have covered both viewpoints and provided your own opinion, which is good. However, your response can be strengthened by providing more relevant and clear examples to support your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, and you have included an introduction and conclusion. However, your logical flow can be improved with better transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
Some of your sentences are somewhat confusing and need to be clearly expressed to improve comprehension. Consider simplifying your sentence structures where necessary.
task achievement
You have clearly stated both sides of the argument and provided a thoughtful conclusion, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps to structure the argument well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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