IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Write about the following topic. Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#topic #children #lifestyle #schools #parents
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In
Change preposition
At
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present
Add an article
the present
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 time, plenty of
children
 lead
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
unlealthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
healthy
life
. Some
children
 stay up to study or play video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
. Others would rather watch whatever television or video in their room than
going
Wrong verb form
go
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 out and
doing
Wrong verb form
do
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 sport.
However
, Those difficulties
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
face
Wrong verb form
faced
show examples
children
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by children
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 are not only
children’s
 problem
themself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, but
also
parents
 and schools have to address these issues. From my perspective, I am completely in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of that
parents
 and schools should be involved in the concern for
children’s
 unhealthy existence.
Children
 who have bad habits and lead
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 unhealthy
life
 need
parents’
Correct pronoun usage
their parents’
show examples
 instructions. Most
children
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
learly
Correct your spelling
early
clearly
 young age can not control their primitive desire to eat, play, sleep and other
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 as well,
therefore
 they might do things too much.
For example
, some
children
 are more likely to watch television or play video games all day. They are thoroughly
obssessed
Correct your spelling
obsessed
 with one stuff and do not know how to stop, immersing themself
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their world. Everything must have
limit
Fix the agreement mistake
limits
show examples
 and
parents
 are responsible for playing important roles
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 constrain
children’s
 various
exccessive
Correct your spelling
excessive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and teach them what aftermath it could have once they constantly do things which may be harmful to their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
Additionally
, everyone’s
indeeds
Correct your spelling
indeed
deeds
in deeds
 are formed from their younger period, it would be better to improve inappropriate
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 in
oder
Correct your spelling
order
 to
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 our physical
as well as
 mental health.
Likewise
, educating
children
 is
school’s
Correct article usage
the school’s
show examples
 responsibility. The tutors or mental consultants may have a talk with students and
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
 about
student’s
Change noun form
students’
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 in their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 and
campus
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on campus
show examples
. Student’s unhealthy
life
 may be
cause
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caused
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 by their
parents
 or peers. After all, students are susceptible to other people
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the same age.
Besides
, their
parents
 are not educationally responsible, thereby they are not aware of
children’s
Correct pronoun usage
their children’s
show examples
 condition. All in all, Either schools or
parents
 could affect
children’s
 road to
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 lifestyle.
Parents
 should educate
children
 and care for their hobbies, diet and so on which are likely to give rise to
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 or bad lifestyle. Other than that, teachers should interfere with young students’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 moderately
although
 they play
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
subsidiary roles.
Submitted by hayashidajinja820 on

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sentence structure
Work on sentence structure and grammar to ensure clarity and avoid confusion. For example, "In present time, plenty of children lead an unhealthy life" could be rephrased as "Currently, many children lead unhealthy lifestyles."
examples
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. The examples given about children playing video games or watching TV could be expanded with details on how these activities impact health.
cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between paragraphs. For instance, transition sentences could better link the discussion on parents' responsibilities to the role of schools.
clear issue
The essay clearly presents the issue of children leading unhealthy lifestyles and emphasizes that both parents and schools have a role in addressing this problem.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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