IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today whereas some people advocate that players must have physical strenght, others argue that mental skills are much important. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

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In the concurrent era,
health
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 is more important than anything because ''
Health
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 is wealth''. Some people argue that physical
health
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 is more important
while
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 others oppose it and believe that mental
health
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 is more crucial. In my opinion, physical
health
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 is more important to win sports rather than mental
health
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. Both have their importance that will highlight both perspectives in
following
Change the article
the following
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 paragraph. on the one hand, physical fitness makes a man strong and healthy enough to conquer the field in life.
Furthermore
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, physical
health
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 means muscle strength and
health
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, the ability to work a couple of hours without any tiredness and weakness.
However
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, physical
health
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 is developed by working hard and training. In some sports, physical strength is more critical like weightlifting, football, and cricket.
For instance
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, Indian player Virat Kholi is physically fit to play cricket which
make
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makes
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 him one of the best batsmen
due to
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 their fitness and body. An ideal athlete would possess a balanced combination of physical and mental acuity.
on the other hand
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, mental
health
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 is crucial in sports for making strategic decisions, focusing under pressure, and managing stress, and emotions in loss.
In addition
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, mental capability helps to flourish lifestyle. Businessmen are mentally strong and sharper to take risks and step forward toward success.
For example
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, Elon Musk is an affluent person in the World
due to
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 his healthy brain. He owns NASA to explore space.
to sum up
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, for the aforementioned reasons, it can be reiterated that both factors are beneficial for human life depending on their occupation. I am a staunch believer that substantial skills outweigh any other skill.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the debate and your perspective, which is great. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, instead of 'Both have their importance that will highlight both perspectives in following paragraph.' you could say, 'Both have their importance, which will be highlighted in the following paragraphs.'
coherence cohesion
There is a good structure to your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting both views, and a conclusion. However, the cohesion could be improved by using more linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example: 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' 'Therefore,' etc.
task achievement
Support your points more comprehensively. For instance, while you mentioned the example of Virat Kohli, it would be more convincing if you elaborated on how his physical fitness specifically contributes to his performance.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure overall, but some parts could be ordered better. For example, both body paragraphs could start by directly presenting each viewpoint before detailing examples.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both perspectives as requested by the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and relevant to the topic.
task achievement
You used a relevant and specific example when discussing physical health, which adds strength to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • endurance
  • psychological resilience
  • strategic decisions
  • maintain focus
  • manage stress
  • emotional control
  • physical demands
  • performance
  • optimal performance
  • tailored psychological coaching
  • personal growth
  • winning and losing
  • pivotal role
  • physical fitness
  • excelling
  • athlete
  • body mechanics
  • muscle conditioning
  • cardiovascular health
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