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Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effect of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effect #trend
There is no doubt, that the issue of obesity in
advansed
Correct your spelling
advanced
 countries is crucial, especially the problem among
children
.
This
 essay will observe the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the phenomenon and the outcomes of
issue
Add an article
the issue
an issue
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society.
To begin
 with, there are several causes of
owerwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
oversight
such
 as
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, gadgets, video games, and social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
.
This
 is because,
children
plaing
Correct your spelling
playing
 video games stay home
many
Change preposition
for many
show examples
 hours, do not
Add a missing verb
have enought
show examples
enought phisical
Correct your spelling
enough physical
 activities, and
as a result
, not spend their calories.
In other words
, the consumption of
callories
Correct your spelling
calories
 is
hight
Correct your spelling
high
show examples
;
however
, the spending
energy
 is low, so the
exsessive
Correct your spelling
excessive
energy
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 converted
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
body's
Correct article usage
the body's
show examples
 fat. It can be proved in cases of
previouse generetion
Correct your spelling
previous generation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when
children
 every day spent several hours
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
show examples
 and did not suffer from
owerwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
. Spiking about
effects
Correct article usage
the effects
show examples
 of obesity, it is crucial to notice that the phenomenon leads to many diseases
such
 as blood
pressue
Correct your spelling
pressure
,
deabetes
Correct your spelling
diabetes
,
Correct word choice
and mascular
show examples
mascular
Correct your spelling
macular
muscular
 degeneration. The main reason for
that is
 the fact, that organs have to work
regulary
Correct your spelling
regularly
 in order to keep fit and be functional. If
mascles
Correct your spelling
muscles
show examples
 or ligaments do not act, they will lose their
resiliance
Correct your spelling
resilience
 and will lose the ability to work correctly. All of that
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
constrains
Correct your spelling
constraints
show examples
 in movement and
decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 quality of life.
Moreover
,
children
 may face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
low
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
energy
 and difficulties
at study
Change preposition
in studying
show examples
. In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, I would stick to my opinion that the main cause of the problem is
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle, and the outcomes
such
 as
overal
Correct your spelling
overall
 deterioration of health and decreasing
levell
Correct your spelling
level
levels
 of
energy
 may have
terrible
Add an article
a terrible
show examples
 effect on society.
Submitted by sergeybelov83 on

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Grammar & Spelling
There are consistent grammatical errors and spelling mistakes throughout the essay. Pay careful attention to details such as 'advanced' instead of 'advansed' and 'overweight' rather than 'owerwight.' Consistency is crucial to demonstrate a strong grasp of the language.
Sentence Structure
To enhance clarity and conciseness, ensure you are varying your sentence structures and using punctuation correctly. This will help in making your argument more compelling and easy to follow.
Content
Develop your main points further with more specific examples and explanations. This will help strengthen your argument and make your essay more informative.
Introduction
The introduction sets a clear tone for the essay and addresses the issue at hand effectively.
Logical Structure
The essay is organized logically with clear separation between the causes and effects of the issue.
Conclusion
The conclusion succinctly wraps up the discussion and clearly links back to the points mentioned in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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