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Band 6.5

Caring for children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of this, all mothers and fathers should be required to take a course that prepares them to be good parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#children #job #society #mothers #fathers #course #parents
Children
 have incredible effects on the prospects of a country.
Therefore
, I completely agree that
parents
 should be taught how to bring up their
children
. There are many factors that contribute to having a productive and prosperous country.
Firstly
, many job positions are available in each region. These positions should be occupied by well-qualified persons.
Thus
children
 should be grown in suitable conditions and
parents
 need to be aware of how
bring
Add the particle
to bring
show examples
 up them. Some
parents
 are illiterate and do not know how to teach their
children
 for decent jobs.
Secondly
, some individuals do not know how to treat their
children
. They are not familiar with the emotional needs of the younger people.
As a result
, there should be some classes to teach
parents
 how to communicate and behave with their
children
, and without these types of learning, they would have problems with youngsters. If
parents
 do not take courses that are related to growing
children
, some problems will happen. Bad
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 of
parents
 may have detrimental effects on their
children
.
For example
,
as a result
 of hard punishment,
children
 may be self-conscious and lose their self-confidence.
Such
 individuals cannot make productive contributions to society.
Moreover
, some informative classes about new technologies should be held for
parents
 to help them to become familiar with new types of new and high-tech instruments. In conclusion, I agree that there should be some lessons for
parents
 about how to bring up their
children
 as society needs to be productive and happy, and
well qualified
Add a hyphen
well-qualified
show examples
 people.
Submitted by fa.soleiman on

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task achievement
While the essay is clear in its stance and covers essential points, try to include more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments. Real-life scenarios or statistics can make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Use linking phrases and words effectively to guide the reader from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making your argument easy to follow.
task achievement
You addressed the prompt effectively and provided clear ideas to support your stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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