IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. Do you think benefits of this outweigh disadvantages in terms of family development?

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It often happens that
people
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 work abroad, taking their family with them. There are more benefits to the development of a family
relationship
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 than disadvantages, for they are more tolerant of diverse perspectives
although
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 the difficulty in adapting to different environments can harm the
relationship
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. On the one hand, there are more advantages for those who settle in a foreign country with their family since a family bond would be tighter when they are encouraged to accept various ideas.
In other words
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, they are no longer concerned about a certain expectation or traditional thought, which allows them to seek the happiness and well-being of their family members.
For instance
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,
people
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 who move to Western countries will be happier, where
people
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 are treated more equally than in Japan, a conservative nation with males holding dominant power.
Consequently
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, staying in a foreign country expands their viewpoints, allowing them to enjoy various lifestyles, and promoting a more honest
relationship
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 within a family.
On the other hand
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, moving to a foreign nation can be detrimental to the
relationship
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 of a family as they experience difficulties in adapting to different surroundings. Indeed, their language barrier often prevents them from communicating smoothly with native
people
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, making them stressed in daily life.
For example
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, children often demonstrate violent behaviours to their parents
due to
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 the growing sense of frustration and isolation they experience at school as they are not able to express themselves in other tongues.
Thus
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, a family
relationship
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 often gets worse since they move to other countries without their wills and parents tend to underestimate various hurdles their family members come across in life. In conclusion, bringing family members to foreign countries has more advantages because it allows them to experience diverse cultures where they enjoy more freedom without being restricted to traditional ideas.
However
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, a language barrier can make them isolated, making it more difficult for them to express themselves in other nations, leading to the collapse of their relationships.

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task achievement
While the essay effectively addresses both sides of the issue, adding a few more relevant examples could further strengthen your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between ideas within paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and the writer's stance, which makes it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, showing a clear progression of ideas.
task achievement
The author provides a balanced view on the benefits and disadvantages of moving abroad with family, contributing to a well-rounded discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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