Detailed describtion of crimes on newspaper and TV can have bad consequences on society, so this kind of information should be banned in the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?‏

There is no denying the fact that nowadays social media share details of crimes.
While
it is a commonly held belief that sharing details describing what happened in crimes on TV or in a newspaper can have harmful outcomes for communities, there is
also
an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that
this
kind of
news
must be barred by
news
organizations.
To begin
with, these kinds of
news
have a direct impact on children, especially on their health, both mental and physical.
In other words
, they will be influenced negatively in daily tasks,
such
as going out to school or playing in public facilities like gardens,
also
, supermarkets, feeling scared and insecure will be exhausting for them.
In addition
, kids naturally think of experiencing every feeling and action to know what will happen.
For example
,
according to
a study made in Japan in 2022, says that when information about murder crimes,
explored
Add a missing verb
was explored
show examples
on TV or YouTube, 70% of viewers were under 13
yearsold
Correct your spelling
years old
, which may make them experience the same details
on
Change preposition
as
show examples
their young siblings or pets. Another point to consider, the government should increase awareness among
people
by doing lessons or visiting schools to observe the actions of the students. It is
also
possible to say that
people
should treat each other kindly and help those who need help, to limit wrong behaviours.
Moreover
, authorities must cooperate with society to report anyone who publishes
this
information to the public.
For instance
, if the government would reward prices to those who report, that would make the
people
more aware of these bad actions. In conclusion, despite
people
having different views, I believe that
this
sensitive information must be banned from the
news
.
Submitted by ahadaloufi3a on

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coherence cohesion
To improve overall coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied linking phrases and connectors to make the transitions between ideas smoother.
task achievement
For a stronger task response, make sure each argument or point is developed in more detail with a specific focus on the main idea. You may include more examples to support your views.
general
Check for minor grammatical errors and improve the language accuracy. This could help in making the essay more polished and professional.
introduction conclusion present
Good introduction and conclusion structure which clearly presents the opinion and summarizes it.
complete response
The essay presents a complete and clear idea in relevance to the task, addressing both sides of the argument.
relevant specific examples
The examples provided, especially the study from Japan, add strength to the arguments presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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