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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that individuals who earn a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that the individuals who contribute to the society (such as scientists or teachers) are the most successful. 🔸Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers #🔸discuss
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Nowadays, there are
people
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 who guess that success can be counted by
money
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. Others believe that the
people
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 who are working for humankind like tutors and researchers are more successful. In
this
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 essay, I want to discuss both points of view and try to achieve a logical conclusion. First of all, I want to discover the point of view which says that
money
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 is the measure of success. On the one hand, it looks very logical - you are working a
lot
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, so you have a
lot
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 of
money
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.
On the other hand
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, I'm convinced, that there are a
lot
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 of
people
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 all over the world, that they are working tough, but the
money
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 goes to their owners.
Furthermore
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, it seems that frequently
money
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 is the symbol of the ability to make it
work
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, more than the ability to
work
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 hard yourself.
For instance
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, we can see many great international companies with thousands of workers, who are working hard for very low wages. They are poor, and their owner is very wealthy.
Secondly
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, in a
lot
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 of countries,
people
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 like teachers and doctors are working hard mostly because of their love for their
work
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, not for a wage. There are a
lot
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 of examples of the lack of respect for
such
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 professions
like
Change preposition
as
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 doctors, teachers, and nurses, with the
money
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that is
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 not commensurate with the difficulty of their
work
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. In my humble opinion, what we have to do is to equate the respect and the wage of the
people
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they
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are working for the future of humanity, with the difficulty of their
work
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. In conclusion, the quantity of
money
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 is not an indicator of your
work
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 and contribution to society. We have to highlight the
people
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 who are working hard for our future.
Submitted by anastasia on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This will help maintain a more logical flow of information.
task achievement
For better task achievement, include more specific examples and support for your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
task achievement
You have successfully discussed both views and provided a clear opinion, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented and relevant to the topic, which sets a good structure for the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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