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Band 8

Working long hours causes a great deal of stress and can be very bad for health. The government must find a way to reduce this type of stress. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#hours #stress #health #government #type
Recently, the traditional nine-to-five working
hours
 have been criticized by many governments. They argue that long working
hours
 contribute to stress-related issues and mental
health
 problems. In my opinion, I completely agree that reducing long working
hours
 is the best solution to these problems. The main reason for reducing working
hours
 is to address mental
health
 issues.
Although
 many self-development books emphasize the importance of work-life balance, implementing it is challenging when workers spend most of their time at the workplace.
For instance
, many blue-collar workers in metropolitan cities like Jakarta and New York work more than 12
hours
 a day, starting their commute at 5 a.m. and arriving home at 6 p.m.
This
 leaves little room for work-life balance.
Furthermore
, prolonged stress can lead to severe conditions, including mental
health
 crises and even suicide.
Therefore
, reducing working
hours
 from five days a week to four days may help employees achieve a better balance between their family life and work, improving their
overall
 well-being.
Moreover
, reducing working
hours
 could potentially increase
productivity
. Finland, which has adopted a four-day workweek, has seen significant improvements in
productivity
 compared to the traditional five-day workweek.
This
 is because shorter workweeks allow employees to make the most of their time at work and enhance their mental well-being through improved relationships with family, friends, and the community. They
also
 have more time to exercise since the lack of physical activities that lead to a sedentary lifestyle become a major problem for many companies.
Hence
,
it is clear that
 reducing working
hours
 is closely associated with
productivity
 improvement. In conclusion, reducing long working
hours
 is an effective approach to mitigating stress and mental
health
 issues. I firmly believe that adopting a four-day workweek, as practised in Finland, could be a successful strategy for other nations to improve both employee well-being and
productivity
.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a more detailed example or study to support the claim that reducing working hours increases productivity. Including specific statistical data or research findings would make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Consider making the transition between paragraphs smoother. Although well-structured, a few linking phrases or words between ideas could make the logical flow even clearer.
task achievement
The essay delivers a complete response to the task, addressing both the causes of stress from long working hours and suggesting solutions by discussing the four-day workweek.
coherence cohesion
Clear and comprehensive ideas are presented throughout, with a logical structure that includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Strong main points are well-supported with relevant examples, particularly the example of Finland adopting a four-day workweek and its effects on productivity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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