IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they do not enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?

#people
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Several individuals believe that those who are unemployed are better than those who are employed but they do not like them. Personally, I totally disagree with
this
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 statement because of some major reasons which I shall explain in more detail in
this
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 essay. First of all,
it is clear that
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people
Use synonyms
 who are employed but bored are unhappy and lack of working inspiration.
Consequently
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, not only can
this
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 have negative effects on their mental health, but it
also
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 reduces the productivity of their jobs.
For example
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, If a person has a job that they do not like, they will be lazy and not want to go to work.
Furthermore
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, they will not be hard working and they will not have the stimulation to overcome challenges in their careers. What is more, they are easily stressed and unbalanced.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who are employed must face the disadvantages of finance and psychology. To illustrate,
people
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 must pay their bills
such
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 as electricity, water, and so on.
Therefore
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, if they do not work, they will not have money to cover their life.
Additionally
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, they will decrease their confidence because a career represents the value of an individual so when they socialize, they will be shy when others know that they are jobless. On top of that, if
people
Use synonyms
 do not approach jobs for a long period of time, they will be obsolete. Because, nowadays, the technology develops rapidly, the software updates and appears continuously. It means
people
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 must
also
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 study technology knowledge continuously, too. In conclusion, my opinion, I disagree that it is better for
people
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 to be unemployed than
people
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 to be employed but they do not enjoy it. Because the financial problem is more difficult than other issues
such
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 as laziness, lack of motivation, and stress.
Submitted by writingeilts on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure of paragraphs. The introduction presents the main idea well, but the body paragraphs could benefit from a clearer progression of ideas.
task achievement
Be sure to elaborate on the points more comprehensively. For example, explaining why a lack of motivation impacts productivity in more detail can enrich the argument.
task achievement
Using a wider range of specific examples could strengthen the arguments. Real-life examples or statistical data can add depth to your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion which frame the discussion well.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively and covers multiple relevant points.
task achievement
Good use of examples to support the main arguments, making the points more relatable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • transnational problems
  • climate change
  • ozone layer depletion
  • pollution
  • collaborative efforts
  • pooling of resources
  • expertise
  • technology
  • innovative solutions
  • international standards
  • race to the bottom
  • environmental standards
  • capacity
  • impacts
  • national sovereignty
  • independently
  • economic
  • social contexts
  • international consensus
  • legal
  • political systems
  • enforcement
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