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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it’s more important to reward students who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music, and good behavior). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #schools #rewards #students #results #it’s #reward #success #sports #music #behavior
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In
this
 day and age, it has
remains
Change the verb form
remained
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as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
souce
Correct your spelling
source
 of controversy what kind of achievement schools should reward their
students
.
While
 there are some good arguments in favour of the view that schools just prioritize academic results, I would argue that other types of accomplishment should be included. On the one hand, there is a growing belief that academic performance should be the focus of education systems. The first reason is that parents believe the
school
 is the place to learn academic knowledge,
such
 as math or physics, which is considered to be the key to their children's future success.
Thus
 they expect the
school
 to implement a policy to urge their
students
 to pursue academic success.
Secondly
, many advocates of
this
 view argue that involving in other kinds of activities that are not related to study could harm their
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
 in the long term.
For instance
, in Vietnam, a great proportion of
students
 who pay attention to other activities get lower scores than the others.
On the other hand
, giving awards to other types of accomplishment could open up numerous opportunities for younger generations.
Firstly
, rewarding various subjects could allow them to find out their strengths beyond academic content.
For example
, in Vietnam, many professional athletes become successful after figuring out their talent when they attend
school
 competitions. Another reason is that participating in different programmes serves as a means for
students
 to enhance their social skills, which are appreciated by big organizations nowadays.
This
 would help
students
 to comprehensively grow and secure their successful careers in the future. In conclusion,
while
 there are certain reasons why many believe that merits should be given only to academic achievements, it seems to me that
school
 including other kinds of accomplishment is a better option.
Submitted by lahuyquan123 on

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task achievement
Work on minor grammatical and spelling errors like 'it has remains' which should be 'it remains' and 'souce' should be 'source'. These small mistakes can affect the overall reading experience.
task achievement
Provide more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance the engagement and clarity of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, add linking words and phrases to improve flow between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples, particularly with references to Vietnam, which support your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The ideas are clear and comprehensive, covering both viewpoints thoroughly and supporting your own opinion with logical reasoning.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Scholastic achievement
  • Intellectual effort
  • Merit-based
  • Academic excellence
  • Educational outcomes
  • Well-rounded development
  • Multiple intelligences
  • Fosters self-esteem
  • Extracurricular involvement
  • Personal growth
  • Holistic approach
  • Diverse talents
  • Societal implications
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