IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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In some countries the ageing of the
population
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 creates a
lot
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 of problems,
however
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,
people
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 argue with that opinion and think that elderly individuals have a positive impact on society. In
this
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 essay, I will tell about why sometimes ageing is a problem and the adventures of that phenomenon. A
lot
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 of countries now have difficulties with the
population
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 of children and without old ones the number of
people
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 will be very low and it has a negative influence on the economy, but taking care of old
people
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 is very problematic and costs a
lot
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. A country which has not got any
people
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 is not a country. The
government
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 knows about that and admissions always try to increase the
population
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. Older
people
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 may help in
such
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 cases. In Japan, approximately 70% of individuals are over 60 years old, and the rate of birth of a child is the lowest in the world. The
government
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 have to take care of old
people
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 because, if did not count them Japan have not any
people
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. The second advantage is the positive effect on society.
People
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 of age always organise some event and in most cases, relatives come to meet them at events like anniversaries.
Such
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 activities help to make better communication between
people
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 and encourage positive views about life for youngsters. Regarding the disadvantages, the
government
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 purchases a
lot
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 of money from the budget to organise events for older
people
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 and take care of them. Medicine costs a
lot
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 and if a country has a large amount of orderly individuals
that is
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 a huge waste of money. In conclusion, orderly
people
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 help society and sometimes to growing
population
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, but service them costs a
lot
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. I think
people
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 of age are
also
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 persons and the
government
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 has to provide convenient conditions for them.
Submitted by bizhanalikhan6 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed with sufficient supporting details. In some areas, the ideas presented are a bit general and need more specific details or examples to be clearer and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between points and paragraphs. Use more cohesive devices to link ideas effectively. Some parts of your essay could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas.
general
Work on sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity and readability. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect the overall clarity of your essay.
introduction conclusion
The essay includes a clear introduction that sets the context and presents the main angles of the discussion.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear final stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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