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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that it is good to share as much info as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Other, believe that some information in too important or valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give opinion

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It is argued that the entire knowledge gained in the scientific research,
business
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 and academic
world
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 should be shared with the public. Others claim that sensitive and valuable
information
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 should be kept a secret. There are numerous reasons for both viewpoints which will be discussed in
this
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 essay. Sharing all the
information
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 in scientific research can raise public awareness, as
people
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 access them through scientific journals.
As a result
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,
people
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 can decide what works best for them using academic discoveries.
For instance
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, some patients resist taking their pills. Being aware of the effects of the drugs can help them accept what is best for them.
Moreover
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, academic
information
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 shared in the academic
world
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 helps societies to save themselves from pandemic diseases.
For example
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,
along with
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 the
covid19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
 pandemic in 2019, scientists all around the
world
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 use as much knowledge as available to create a practical vaccine, saving so many lives.
Furthermore
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, in the
business
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world
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, revealing stock prices and shares allows
people
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 to invest in the right market.
On the other hand
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, hiding sensitive scientific
information
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 can be
also
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 beneficial. Some news published in academic journals about the death of a human by vaccination may prevent
people
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 from getting vaccinated.
Consequently
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, It can lead to thousands of deaths from a specific infection. Some
information
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also
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 causes public terror.
For example
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, the disadvantages of using radioactive particles should be
kelp
Correct your spelling
kept
show examples
 hidden, as it can stimulate
people
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 to disagree with
this
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 useful way of generating energy. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the advantages of sharing as much knowledge as possible in scientific papers,
business
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 and the academic
world
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 outweigh hiding these kinds of
information
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 because public awareness rises and experts can use these discoveries to save
people
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's lives worldwide. In the
business
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world
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, it
also
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 helps the public to spend their money on the correct investigation.

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task achievement
Good job on maintaining a well-balanced discussion of both viewpoints. However, ensure to clarify your opinion a bit earlier in the essay, not just in the conclusion. This helps the reader follow your argumentation more clearly.
task achievement
Consider providing more varied and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, give concrete instances or data to support the claims made about business and healthcare.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow and clear transitions between ideas, which is excellent. However, make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor errors and typos, such as 'i' which should be 'I' and 'kelp' which should be 'kept'.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively outlines the key perspectives, setting a clear stage for the ensuing discussion.
relevant specific examples
Your use of examples from current events, like the COVID-19 pandemic, lends credibility and timeliness to your arguments.
logical structure
The essay presents a well-structured argument with clear topic sentences and supporting details that enhance readability and coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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