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Writing Samples
Band 8

‏At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adult, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage?

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Young adults have become an indispensable part of shaping society. There is a frequently discussed issue of whether adults enhance to improve society, or whether it causes risks. I think that the merits of having more adults outweigh the demerits.
This
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 essay will explore
this
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 phenomenon in more detail, supported by relevant examples. ‎‏On the one hand, there are a few disadvantages to increasing the
number
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 of young people in society. The main one is the lack of responsibilities, as
youth
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 are not able to control some issues, especially excessive use of social media.
For example
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, an American Educational Association indicates that the majority
number
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 of individuals are wasting their time on social platforms.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can affect some tasks in their lives like their performance at jobs ‎‏
On the other hand
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, there is a growing preference among some countries for having a large
number
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 of
youth
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. They believe that
youth
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 can work more productivity.
For instance
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, a study conducted at Glasgow University illustrates that 90% of Young individuals are able to work more efficiently compared to elder people.
As a result
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,
this
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 may accelerate economic growth and stimulate the financial stability of the nation.
Furthermore
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, Another advantage to be considered is the outcomes of
youth
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 are not only limited to individuals but
also
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 have a profound impact on communities.
According to
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 a report by UNESCO, a survey indicates that
youth
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 contribute to a thriving economy and increase the financial stability of the nation. ‎‏In conclusion,
although
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youth
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 might have certain demerits, I believe that the merits of young people in countries overpower the demented ones.
Therefore
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, it is a valuable opportunity for countries to encourage personal and social growth by fostering a large
number
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 of
youth
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.

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task achievement
Expand on the points about the potential negative impacts of having a predominantly young population, such as the lack of experience in critical decision-making positions.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow and structure could be improved by providing a more distinct separation between advantages and disadvantages sections.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the one before it, making transitions smoother.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively summarize the main points.
task achievement
You provided specific examples, such as studies by the American Educational Association and Glasgow University, which strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and comprehensive, covering both advantages and disadvantages.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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