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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some ex-prisoners commit crimes after being released from the prison. What do you think is the cause? How can it be solved?

#ex-prisoners #crimes #prison
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How to prevent
ex-prisoners
 from committing
crimes
 repeatedly has always been a universal concern in our
society
. From my perspective, the discrimination of
employers
 against
ex-prisoners
 is partly responsible for their recurrent
crimes
. In order to effectively solve the issue, the government needs to ensure that they share equal opportunities when seeking jobs with ordinary people. Before setting forth specific solutions, I would like to expound on how the biases of
employers
 stimulate ex-prisons to commit
crimes
 again.
According to
 research from Liu Haitao, a professor at Yangzhou University, over half of the prisoners who repeatedly committed
crimes
 complained that they could not obtain a job as unable to provide no-crime certifications after leaving prisons. When they realised with frustration and anger that the
society
 represented by
employers
 refused to accept them, they felt rejected and relapsed into
crimes
.
This
 worrying research adequately suggests that the discrimination of
employers
 partly results in repeat
crimes
. Against
this
 phenomenon, the relevant legislation is especially urgent, only with which can the issue be effectively solved . The legislative assembly should ensure that any criminals who have served prison terms have equal opportunities in seeking jobs as ordinary people and
employers
 who defy the law will be punished. The UK's history in the 19th century has long demonstrated the usefulness of
this
 method, when the government collaborated with the judicial department creating a set of regulations and laws which helped
ex-prisoners
 return to
society
. The result was a significant decrease in the number of
crimes
. To summarise, a hostile social atmosphere is one of the primary reasons for
ex-prisoners
 to commit
crimes
 again.
Therefore
, the government and the judicial department should work together to ensure that these people can return to our
society
 smoothly, which can effectively reduce criminal rates.
Submitted by hx88375757 on

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General
Ensure that sentences maintain a smooth flow by avoiding minor punctuation errors and unnecessary spaces before punctuation marks.
Task Achievement
Expand on how job discrimination directly leads to ex-prisoners relapsing into criminal behavior for additional clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provide more varied linking phrases and better transition sentences between paragraphs to improve the logical structure.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the prompt, addressing both causes and solutions effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and cohesively tied to the main points discussed in the body.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples and research are well incorporated to support the main argument.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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