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Band 5

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, inspite of greater responsibilities. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #years #time #people’s #lives #adult #life #happiness #inspite #responsibilities
There have been ongoing debates regarding whether the juvenile years are the greatest period of life,
while
 others argue that even
though
Change preposition
with
show examples
 more responsibilities, the adult generation can
buy
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 greater happiness compared to the children generation. Both points of view and the reason why I personally prefer the latter argument will be elaborated on in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, it is reasonable for some to claim that
Childhood
 is the best time in their life.
This
 is possible because human beings have
common
Correct article usage
a common
show examples
 behaviour about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remember
Wrong verb form
remembering
show examples
, called Nostalgia
Consequently
, Whenever people who are
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 feel depressed, they are likely to bring old memories because it has more time and enormous energy to do anything.
Conversely
,
although
childhood
 has both time and stamina, they still lack
money
, which
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 a crucial role in living in
this
 day and age. Everything in the contemporary era can be purchased with
money
.
For instance
,
while
 children can be happy
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing with their friends, adults are able to purchase game consoles to play with friends immediately. I personally argue in favour of adults who can grab pleasure greater than
childhood
 because numerous individuals have dreams but various things need
money
 to be successful. To put explain simply, My friend
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to visit Japan
since
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 he was younger,
due
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
without
budget
Correct article usage
a budget
show examples
,
Thus
this
 dream
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
disappeared.
However
, when he grew up, he had a lot of
money
 to grab the dream, ignoring responsibilities. In conclusion, even though it is undeniable that
Childhood
 is the
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
greatest part of life, adults have a lot of
money
 in order to manage their happiness in the long run.
Submitted by phumrapee33 on

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task achievement
Enrich the content with more specific examples and detailed explanations. This will help to better support your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single main idea and provides a thorough explanation or example to support it. Avoid leaving points undeveloped.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and improving the structure of your arguments to make the essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Integrate your ideas and examples more smoothly. Avoid abrupt transitions and aim for a more seamless progression from one idea to the next.
introduction
The introduction effectively introduces both viewpoints and states your own opinion, providing a good foundation for the essay.
conclusion
The conclusion succinctly reaffirms your viewpoint, closing the essay on a clear note.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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