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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to Ashdown Museim during the year before and the year after it was refurbished. The charts show the result of surveys asking visitors how satisfied they were with their visit, during the same two periods

The table below shows the numbers of visitors to Ashdown Museim during the year before and the year after it was refurbished. The charts show the result of surveys asking visitors how satisfied they were with their visit, during the same two periods
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The given table illustrates data about Ashdown Museum's number of
visitors
Use synonyms
 between the
year
Use synonyms
 before and the
year
Use synonyms
 after it was renovated. The pie charts contain results of surveys of
visitors
Use synonyms
' satisfaction
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 different levels during the same two periods.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the ration
show examples
ration
Correct your spelling
ratio
show examples
 of
visitors
Use synonyms
 had uplifted with the
gavge
Correct your spelling
gavage
 of very satisfied and just satisfied guests within a
year
Use synonyms
 after refurbishment.
Comparing
Wrong verb form
Compared
show examples
 with a
year
Use synonyms
 before, dissatisfied and very dissatisfied callers were diminished,
although
Linking Words
, disgruntled inspectors accounted
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
 than half
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all. The number of frequenters who did not respond was the same in both years. In the years before replenishment, the index of
visitors
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 74.000, and frustrated guests considered one-three at all.
While
Linking Words
well pleased
Add a hyphen
well-pleased
show examples
 callers accounted
only
Change preposition
for only
show examples
 25 per cent, not reaching half the population.
Visitors
Use synonyms
 who did not take part
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the surveys were only 5%. In the
year
Use synonyms
 after renovation,
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 of guests in the museum, sharply climbed with
difference
Correct article usage
a difference
show examples
18.000
Change preposition
of 18.000
show examples
 people. Very satisfied and just satisfied
visitors
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased by 50%
while
Linking Words
 the malcontent population decreased by five-twenty four proportion. People with no responses accounted for the same percentage.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words visitors, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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