IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #governments #support #people #care
Nowadays, there are people who suppose that the government have to help with the money
to
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for
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 the
elderies
Correct your spelling
elderly
, whilst others are convinced that all of the people have to concern
to
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about
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 their status by themselves.
On
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In
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this
essay
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essay,
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 I'll discuss both points of view, and try to explain my own. First of all, I'm interested
to talk
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in talking
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 about the
government
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government's
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 responsibility towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
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pensioners. We have to remember, that the working layer of the population is the layer of
tax payers
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taxpayers
show examples
 and, in
another words
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another word
other words
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, they are the basis of the budget.
Moreover
, the average citizen are paying the taxes
due to
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for
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 3 decades at least. So, I'm convinced, we can't say them -
you
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your
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retairment
Correct your spelling
retirement
 budget is only your problem, thank you for working hard
during
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for
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 30 years, see you
on
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at
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 your funeral. In conclusion of
this
 paragraph - all the countries around the world have to convey the law
to
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for
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pensioners
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pensioners'
pensioner's
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 protection, to
compalsory
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compulsory
 minimal monthly payment to the pension fund during
all
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apply
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the
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their
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 life.
On the other hand
, we have to be responsible for our own lives, not only to hope for somebody else. If you want something to be done well - do it yourself. So, all of us have to pay to any special private fund. It will help us to be independent after
a
Correct article usage
apply
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retirement. In my humble opinion, the best option would be the mix of two points of view. The government have to take its part of responsibility,
as well as
 dwellers have to think about themselves during their lives. Eventually, we will have a
genaration
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generation
 of
independant
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independent
 and happy pensioners.
Submitted by anastasia on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear, single main idea that is well-developed with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using more linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy. While the errors are minor, they affect the readability of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and presents a personal opinion, which is essential for a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, providing a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
The essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas, making it easy to follow the writer’s thought process.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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