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Band 7

Many small local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this affect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

#shops #supermarkets #area #affect #communities #situation
Many little, local stores are lacking as they are helpless to compete with big
shops
 in the space.
As a result
, local
shops
 will face
job
 loss and provide less personal
service
, but
this
 can be tackled by promoting local shopping initiatives and collaborating networks for local businesses.
Firstly
, the main problem faced by local
shops
 is
job
 loss.
In other words
, when the
shops
 go down, it will be difficult to find a
job
.
For example
, in China, they created large markets, and jobs began to decrease.
Consequently
, people will find it hard to secure employment, and poverty will rise.
Secondly
, another problem is less personal
service
.
This
 is because when people do not get good
service
, there will be issues and even crimes.
Moreover
, no one can easily help them with what they need. There are two solutions. One of those solutions is to promote local shopping initiatives.
That is
 to say, if the governments or community groups organize campaigns that encourage residents to shop locally
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
 providing incentives like loyalty programs,
this
 could attract more customers and help level the playing field with large supermarkets.
For instance
, when governments run promotional campaigns, markets will develop. Another solution is that collaboration between
shops
 is essential. If they want more customers, they have to work together to reduce costs and offer better prices to attract customers.
To sum up
, local
shops
 are unable to compete with large supermarkets, leading to
job
 losses and less personal
service
, which can only be tackled by encouraging local shopping and fostering collaboration.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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language
Work on using more varied and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the richness of the essay.
clarity
Make sure to clarify certain points more clearly, for example, the link between less personal service and crime, to avoid any ambiguity.
grammar
Improve sentence structure to avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
content
The essay addresses both the problems and solutions clearly, providing a balanced view.
structure
There is a logical progression of ideas, making it easy to follow the argument.
organization
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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