IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for child obesity and give solutions to solve this problem.

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Society is very different today, and that includes the eating habits of most
children
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. These days,
children
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 are gaining weight at an alarming rate. Being overweight is a major
problem
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 that many
children
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 suffer from.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for child obesity and the solutions to solve
this
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problem
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. There are multiple reasons for child obesity.
First,
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overeating is a massive reason.
Moreover
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, many
children
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 eat large amounts of
food
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 daily without even realising it . They eat several meals combined with snacks daily.
Second,
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lack of physical activity is a huge
problem
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.
In addition
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, they spend countless hours playing video games, which involves no movement.
Also
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, using technology constantly hinders mobility.
Finally
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, eating unhealthy
food
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 is
also
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 a major reason. Fast
food
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 is a major part of today's diet.
Also
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, snacking on chocolate, candies, and sweets
,
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apply
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 is extremely harmful.
However
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,
this
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problem
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 has several solutions.
First,
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eating less
food
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 is important.
Moreover
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, they must reduce their computer and snack habits. Parents should plan healthy home-cooked dinners with proper portions. Second,
children
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 need to exercise and enjoy physical activiteis
In addition
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,
children
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 must play sports and
thus
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 burn calories. Moving their body more than usual is a necessity.
Finally
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, eating healthy is a fantastic solution.
Also
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, the young should eat meals with various nutrients. Fruits and vegetables should be a mainstay of their diet. In conclusion, it is clear to see that child obesity has various reasons,
such
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 as overeating, lack of exercise, and unhealthy
food
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.
This
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 issue does have several solutions,
such
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 as eating less
food
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, regular exercise, and more nutritious
food
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.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your ideas are clear, but some need more detail. Explain why each cause leads to weight gain. For example, say that video games keep children sitting for a long time, so they use less energy.
task response
Make the solutions more exact. “Eat less food” is too simple. Say that parents can give smaller meals, limit sweets, and make children eat at set times.
task response
Add one short example for a solution. For example: schools can give children sports time every day, and parents can take them to a park at the weekend.
coherence and cohesion
Your order is good, but you use “Moreover”, “In addition”, and “Also” too many times. Use fewer link words and make the ideas flow in a more natural way.
coherence and cohesion
Some points are very close in meaning. “Overeating” and “eating unhealthy food” can be kept separate more clearly: one is about how much children eat, while the other is about what they eat.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between a cause and its result. For example: “Because children spend many hours on video games, they do not get enough exercise.”
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors that can slow the reader, such as “activities” and “realising it.” Keep spaces and commas neat.
task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and ways to help. Your main ideas are clear: too much food, little exercise, and unhealthy food.
task response
You give useful examples, such as video games, fast food, sweets, sports, fruit, and vegetables.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, reasons, solutions, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “First”, “Second”, “Finally”, “However”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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