Some people say that what children is their behaviour. other leave the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Some have a belief that children's personalities are what he does,
while
others argue that what makes them is television and how long they spend time in front of it,
this
essay will analyse
this
topic from both points of view and eventually express my opinion. On the one hand, we can see many kinds of children with different characters with
this
view; we can put the possibility that the human personality is shaped at a young age,
in other words
, the child can act as if he is, like if he is a kind boy his behaviour will be good with individuals around him,
for instance
, some research has shown that if a child raised in a harsh environment, there is a high probability that he will become an immoral person,
However
some research say the opposite.
On the other hand
, the opinion that says children behave by what they see on television,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a little logical because if we put a child in front of a television, we will see him act exactly as the actor in the film does. He will talk just like him, but in fact,
this
happens in a short time after that, they will return to what they are, but they did the action because it impressed them,
for example
, in a book I read a
while
ago says that kids imitate what they like immediately. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
matter, on balance.
However
, I tend to believe that kids are formed in many ways, including the environment and parents and what they see and what they hear, and they
finally
grow and become the final form.
Submitted by ahmedaziz9811 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both views, however, it could benefit from clearer structure and stronger support for main points. For instance, dedicating distinct paragraphs to each view and including more specific examples and evidence could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to use more transition words and linking phrases to smoothly guide the reader through your arguments. This will improve the logical flow of your essay, making it easier to follow.
task achievement
It would be helpful to clarify some of your ideas and ensure each sentence directly supports your main points. This will create a more comprehensive and persuasive argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively summarize the main points of your essay.
task achievement
You attempt to balance both views, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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