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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

today many people work until a later age. do the advantages of this outweight the disadvantages

#people #work #age #outweight
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Nowadays, in our hectic world, it is normal for seniors to
work
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instead
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 of retiring. Some argue that keeping working in old age is productive, since elderly
people
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 are financially independent,
while
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 others believe that it can be harmful to
health
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 and it is difficult for old
people
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 to understand new technologies. In my opinion, there are more disadvantages than advantages to working after retirement. Continuing to do a job is beneficial for workers over 60, owing to the fact that they communicate with coworkers and keep moving every
day
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.
Besides
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,
people
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 in
this
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 age group are still earning money,
therefore
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 they do not need to bother their children or relatives with financial help. In Russia,
for example
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, the retirement age is rising moderately, which means that the quality of medical care in the country is increasing, hereby, more and more employees are able to
work
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 even if they are old. Among the drawbacks, older workers’
health
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 is undeniably bad,
nevertheless
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, they need to
work
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 at young colleagues’ pace, which is absolutely damaging to their physical and psychological
health
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, it can cause knee or back pain, depression and even worse death.
Moreover
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, there are innovations and technologies that are improving
day
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 by
day
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.
That is
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 usually a problem for seniors, to understand how to
work
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 with these complicated programs and devices. In Japan it has become common to
work
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 unstoppable, leading to a huge amount of
people
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 dead at their workplace. Now, the government of Japan released a law, forcing workers to rest and do a job in an appropriate amount of time.
People
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, who do not go to retirement, risk and sacrifice their
health
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 every
day
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 by keeping working.
Although
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 there are benefits to
this
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 trend, I believe that they are outweighed by the disadvantages to the individual.
Submitted by tyurina.98 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay addresses all parts of the task effectively. While you did mention both advantages and disadvantages, elaborating more on each point will make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Structure your paragraphs clearly. Each paragraph should focus on one clear idea, which will help in maintaining a logical flow.
task achievement
Be precise with your language and argumentation. Sometimes your arguments are understandable but could benefit from more precise wording and clarification.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument well.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your main points, which adds depth to your argument.
task achievement
Your essay shows a good understanding of the topic and attempts to discuss both advantages and disadvantages.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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