IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some think spending a lot on birthday celebration and weddings is a waste of money. Others think that it is important for young people and society. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is an
arguement
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argument
that is
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 it necessary to spend
time
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 on
party
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the party
a party
show examples
.
Although
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 some individuals think we should not waste money on it as we should focus on the things
that
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is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more important, I agree with other
people
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's view because
such
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 social communication could help
people
Use synonyms
 approach each other to achieve some
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. On the one hand, some
people
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 believe that it is wasting
time
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 and money to attend birthday
celebration
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrations
show examples
 and weddings.
This
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 is because as young
people
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, we should pay more attention to
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
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 ourselves. The limited
time
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 and money should be used
in
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for
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 learning, exercising, or travelling.
For example
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, the masters in each field were all focusing on the field they
interested
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were interested
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,
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in, then
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then
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 they
made
Verb problem
had
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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great success in that domain. A Chinese great author LU Xun said, '
my
Capitalize word
My
show examples
 success is only because I would like to spend more
time
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 on writing
while
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 others enjoy the party.'
On the other hand
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, some others think it is
also
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 important to make some cost in social, especially for young
people
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. Attending celebrations is an essential way to expand a person's social net. It can help
people
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 to know each other and improve
teenagers
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teenagers'
teenager's
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 and young
adults
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adults'
adult's
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 communication skills.
Additionally
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, through various activities, a person can obtain much more information than isolated individuals, which could help them achieve some goals
effencently
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efficiently
.
For example
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, the famous ex-president of
US
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the US
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, JFK, whose father support him
a
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with a
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large amount of funding to socialise during his student period, which
build
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builds
show examples
 a great basis to help him to be president. In conclusion, it could cost a lot to attend
party
Add an article
the party
a party
show examples
 and young
people
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 should focus on some more significant things,
whereas
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 the other view
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 it is
also
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 important for young
people
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 to attend various celebrations. I agree with the latter as various activities could improve
people
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's communication skills and
also
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 help
people
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 to achieve some goals.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to avoid grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures as they might affect readability.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical connections between sentences and paragraphs to improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but try to ensure that all points are elaborated with ample examples and explanations.
task achievement
You could provide a few more specific examples to support your ideas comprehensively and make your argument stronger.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a well-reasoned opinion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and effectively encapsulate the main points of your essay.
task achievement
You have provided relevant and specific examples such as the quotes from Lu Xun and JFK, which add credibility to your arguments.
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