IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Many researchers believe that we can now study the behaviour of children to see if they will grow up to be criminals, while others disagree. To what extent do you think crime is determined by genetics? Is it possible to stop children from growing up to be criminals?

#researchers #study #behaviour #children #criminals #crime #genetics
In recent years, many
children
 have grown up with the risk of becoming
criminals
. Personally, I insist that the personalities of
children
 can predict their
behaviour
 in the future but it is unrelated to their DNA;
in addition
, there are tremendous options to prevent them and support will be illustrated in the following paragraph: First and foremost,
children
’s personality is fundamental to their mindset. Youth generations will generate
behaviour
 and thinking processes when they are young which are absorbed by their parents and social environment
such
 as neighbourhoods or friends. If they have role models in the wrong ways, they will mirror practice–leading to the wrong mindset and
criminals
 in the future.
On the other hand
, genetics are determined to express their appearance identity more than develop
children
’s
behaviour
. There are tremendous
children
 in the world, they have a mindset and personality different from their parents. To address the risk of
children
, adults need to develop moral standards for them. If young generations realise the disadvantages of
criminals
, they will avoid doing so and be separated from the worst environment.
For example
, when
children
 realise the punishment of
criminals
, they will be uninvolved with the circumstances and people which lead them to
criminals
;
in addition
, education develops the dreams and goals for
children
. When
children
 are educated,they can imagine their future and improve themselves to achieve.
Therefore
,
children
 will pay attention to pursuing their goals and abandon immoral ways. As I mentioned, the
behaviour
 of younger generations can be evaluated in immoral ways if they reside in the wrong social environment. Adults should develop moral standards and help them to make their goals in life rather than justify them by DNA.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have provided a relevant response to the prompt, addressing both parts of the question. To improve, consider providing more detailed examples and evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To make the structure even clearer, use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and avoid repetition. For example, the idea of role models influencing behavior is mentioned in various places; consolidating this information in one paragraph with detailed support would be more effective.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the prompt by discussing whether crime is determined by genetics and how to prevent children from becoming criminals.
task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding of how environment can influence children's behavior, which is relevant to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: